I went out to the mailbox the other day, battling a fierce wind and falling snow, and saw paw prints. This isn’t unusual at our house, critters visit on a daily basis. But when I came back in the house and heard a cry outside, I knew.
The lovely stray cat we’d taken in, fallen in love with and then had to return to his owners? Was back.
.
.
He was soaking wet, shivering and skittish…. but I managed to lure him into the barn with a bowl of food.
.
.
The poor little guy. What the hell! Why was he out in the cold again?
.
.
After two full tins of Fancy Feast, he jumped up on the pool table….
.
.
And took a bath with the heat blowing straight on him.
.
.
I left him warm, fed and comfortable…. and headed into the house to call his owner and rip her a new one.
.
One not so polite phone call later she showed up with a carrier and swore she made a vet appointment for him to be neutered next week and has done her best to keep him in the house. But she also told me her husband opened the bedroom window a crack and the cat escaped. (Open window, with no screen, in Maine, in February? Not likely) She said he’d only been gone for an hour but our house is over a mile away so I doubt that too.
I swear if we hadn’t adopted Dudley…. I would have just kept him this time.
I think we’ve established we are not theme park people.
So spending 6 hours at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg while on Christmas vacation?
It’s billed as the prettiest theme park in the country.
And while I doubt that’s a very high bar…..
It’s plastic fantastic fake European villages failed to impress….. seeing they were less village and more overpriced stores filled with gimmicky tourist merchandise.
It was enough to make me drink.
Warm Apple Pie Cocktail in hand… we continued.
(You knew it was coming, don’t look so surprised. If ever I was in dire need of alcohol? It was then.)
So we paid a fortune, had drinks in hand and a 7 year old who wanted to go on some rides. Problem was… most of them weren’t operational for Christmas.
This did not go over well with the little person in our midst.
She couldn’t drink, and she didn’t care about fake Europe… she just wanted some rides!
We found a few animals to distract her.
But it was cold and she was growing more bored with each step. Every ride we passed? Locked up tight.
And then viola!
I spotted a gondola.
3 adults and a midget. We’re in!
So we get on line.
A long line.
A very long line that took us almost 40 minutes to reach the end.
We boarded, anticipating a leisurely ride over the park.
And I kid you not, after taking this picture….
And this video….
Which lasted 40 seconds, we were done.
One second of ride for each minute we waited on line. Totally worth it!
Not.
We landed in “France”.
And you know what? I’ve been to France…. this wasn’t even close.
Still not finding a working ride, I spotted Hogwarts and the child’s eyes lit up.
Yay me!
Boo Busch Gardens…. it was blocked off and locked up tight.
I was beginning to hate this place.
Psychedelic camera toting bear aside.
Did I mention it was cold?
I mean down right freezing for southerners and even quite brisk for us Yankees after a few hours of walking.
At least this made her laugh.
If we had known all the fun kid stuff would be closed? We wouldn’t have gone in the afternoon but just waited until after dark for the lights.
Even the scooter brigade looked disappointed.
We did mange to find an old time carousel.
Where we waited on line for another 30 minutes to ride for 30 seconds. You could seriously get whiplash from how quickly these things end.
Magic dragons were climbed on….
Towers were explored….
More alcohol was needed….
Okay, maybe that was just me.
Rope bridges were crossed….
Even by the husband if you can believe it.
Another warm up station later, it was starting to get dark enough to see some lights.
And yes, as cold and miserable as I was….. I was going to wait until dark for the lights we paid almost $300 to see.
Continuing farther down the coast of the Outer Banks, I wanted to stop and walk out on a pier.
(Have I mentioned that I have a knack for picking the coldest, windiest, most frigid days to do this? Seriously… it’s a gift. If there’s one bitter cold day on an otherwise delightfully warm 2 week vacation? That’s the one I’ll choose to walk out on a pier.)
There’s the husband, bracing himself against the wind and giving me (and my phone) the evil eye.
And there’s the entrance to Jennette’s Pier, the biggest and best in Nags Head.
Gladly.
This type… and the other. It was too damn cold for either of them.
Approaching the entrance…. you don’t follow a yellow brick road.
But a line of memorial blue fish.
I love this idea!
A quick peek at the beach…
The map…
And me mumbling ‘Holy Crap it’s freezing! Can you read the pier history a little faster please?’
A quick peek at the beach on the other side.
Through the gate…
Past the turtle.
And finally, the door…
Where the husband had to hold on to his hat so it didn’t fly off.
It was that windy.
A brief warm respite inside to pay the $2 ticket price and out we went.
As piers go?
It rocked.
Even the birds agreed.
These guys were everywhere.
Fighting the wind just like us.
Hairdo?
Not so much.
So we walked….
Shivering in the arctic blast…. with the husband cursing me under his breath.
Good times.
Every now and then there would be a wind break where we’d huddle to catch our breath.
And then finally, we reached the end.
Where the husband realized we had to walk back, intothe wind…. and started cursing me under his breath all over again.
So a certain blogger (who shall remain nameless unless he/she actually wants to take credit for this post) sent me a link to a product that I found the day after Thanksgiving.
Having just enjoyed copious amounts of turkey, I admit it made me think twice about ever eating one again. It seems we never really know what those birds are up to pre gluttonous feast.
Behold The Tryptotrouser Turkey Print Ball Hammock Boxer Briefs:
Yup.
They exist.
And the product description is totally blog worthy.
Spend more time stuffing your face and less time stuffing your balls this Thanksgiving. Introducing the only ball hammock boxers that can hold just as much weight as your tryptophan-induced insides can fathom. Protect your baby gravy like you protect your prized family seat, with a ball hammock to gently rest your stones and an ultra soft micro model material that will have your girl wanting seconds. And thirds. And probably yams because yams are just so tasty.
“Baby gravy”?
I’ve heard a lot of interesting terms for the male anatomy over the years…. but that’s a new one. (And speaking as someone who loves gravy on her mashed taters? Stop using it…. right freaking now.)
But if you’re thinking yeah, thanks a lot River. Thanksgiving is over and now I’ve missed a perfect opportunity to give a wonderfully thoughtful gift along with the green bean casserole?
Fear not.
This post will pass along further information for what I think is probably the best Christmas stocking stuffer ever.
For your husband, your brother, your uncle, your cousin…. Hell, for every man in your life.
Give them to your mailman and the guy who changes your oil.
If you clicked the link, you’ll realize I wasn’t talking about those delightfully revolting pink Hostess treats that look like Tribbles.
It’s another thing entirely.
No, I’m not kidding…
And some of the descriptions are funnier than the product itself.
“Summer is a decidedly, uh, swampy time for many men and the summer of 2019 has been especially hot and humid throughout most of the northern hemisphere. Dress loose and in light fabrics all you want, eventually the heat hits you in the crotch.
It’s a uniquely male problem and one underwear company has the solution to that and more. Snowballs basically wants to ice your ‘nads back into the comfort—and fertility—zone.
Being able to walk around with your ‘nads air-conditioned without risking indecent exposure is pretty appealing. And Snowballs claims their product can do more than just frost the funk away from your nether regions.”
Swampy?
Yeah, no one wants that.
“From setting sprays to chafing balm, ladies have a few tricks up their sleeves when it comes to handling the heatwave.
But now men have found something to help them out on scorching hot days — freezable pants.
Over on Amazon, a brand called Snowballs Underwear is selling “scientifically-backed cooling underwear”.
The underwear comes with ice packs — dubbed “SnowWedges” — that men are able to put in the freezer before popping into a pouch that sits over the groin.”
And before you decide the whole thing is just a joke, here’s a video to prove icing your balls, sack, nuts, jewels, sweetbreads, Christ…what term won’t get me kicked off WordPress? parts has actual medical benefits.
You all know I like them. You all know my husband is the evil man who won’t let me have them.
(Okay, so in complete honesty he says I can have them… but I have to be the one who goes out in the minus 20 degree winter temperatures to feed, water, and clean the coop in mid January and we all know that’s not happening.)
Yeah… no.
But if I did have them?
I would totally be on board with the latest chicken trend.
Tutus!
Chickens…
In tutus!
Granted, not all of them look thrilled with the idea.
And okay, watch out for that one. He looks homicidal….
As I was strolling the local hardware store the other day, I came across an item that was begging to be blogged about.
(Yes, I really heard it begging… so now I have to share.)
‘SnotTape.
Let that sink in a moment.
And then visualize some over paid ad exec on Madison Avenue yelling, “Eureka! That new product? Let’s name it after snot!”
I wasn’t sure where… or why they came up with that name, until I said it out loud a few times and realized it’s a contraction for “it’s not tape”.
Which, of course it is.
It’s tape.
So wth?
And because I’m a dedicated blogger, I did some research… which lead me to the heretofore unknown Professional Painting Contractors Forum. (Oh, the things I do for my readers)
While I agreed with this commenter’s review…
“Wouldn’t touch it simply based on the name. What a horrible advertising strategy.”
It was the next two responses that made me want to hire these contractors no matter what they charge.
“I think, “Taint Tape”, would’ve been a catchier name, but whatever“
And…
‘snot worth it.
Bravo Professional Painting Contractors Forum.
I agree.
But Snittens?
Now there’s a product worth having.
You’re welcome.
Where there's only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.
