Because I have too much time on my hands this afternoon.

 

If you have predictive text on your cell phone, grab it and let’s play.

Remember The Princess Bride movie?

No, I don’t either. But apparently there’s a quotable line from the film that goes like this….

 

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So a Facebook friend of mine tagged me to play the 2020 version.

Start texting My name is…..

You killed my….

Prepare to….

And let predictive text do the rest.

 

My results:

My name is not the big barn.  ( seriously, that’s what I got! )

You killed my husband and he didn’t even know.  ( it’s true he’s not very observant, but still. )

Prepare to be a little more than the kale.  ( I seriously hope I’m a lot more than that foul weed. )

Not kidding, that’s what it said.

 

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Apparently my iPhone is freakishly tuned in to my life.

Which if I stopped laughing, might make me a little worried.

 

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A woodchuck dump.

 

Don’t get excited, it’s a photo dump. No one wants to see the other kind.

My files are filled with woodchuck pictures.

 

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Mother and baby on the rock wall.

 

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Mother bringing Junior to the back deck.

 

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Junior checking out the back deck.

 

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Junior checking out the new grill.

 

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Two babies on the other rock wall.

 

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Two babies playing tag.

 

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Two babies eating apples.

You see how this goes? I flood you with woodchuck photos and you say awww.

 

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Here’s a woodchuck, a turkey and a duck for variety.

 

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Momma had 6 babies and I have yet to get them all in one picture.

 

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But now would probably be a good time to say awww.

 

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Pandemic humor.

 

Because if I don’t laugh I might have to hurt someone.

 

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Add a margarita and it sounds like a plan.

 

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Because if you won’t wear a mask, why should I wear pants?

And after almost 4 months of doing nothing?

Trust me… you want me to wear pants.

 

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Ah, Spam. The miracle meat no one wants to eat.

Wait a minute….. do you think they could behind this whole thing?

The virus is a hoax engineered to make people eat 83 year old canned ham!

Or maybe….

 

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It’s a canine revenge plot.

Either way, we’re stuck with it…

And it’s nice to see Maine stores still have a sense of humor.

 

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They’re just screwing with me now.

 

The woodchucks.

 

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Adorable, but hungry.

And there’s no rhyme or reason to what they’ll eat.

This echinacea?

 

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Stripped to a stalk the same day I planted it.

They devoured it before I could even get a picture, and if you know me? You know that’s fast.

 

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This candy cane Dianthus? Nope. They left it alone.

The exact same plant on the other side of the garden bed?

 

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A mere shadow of itself.

WTF?

So when it came time to replant the bed I had removed the woodchuck chewed mallow from, I went to the experts and got a list.

 

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A list of woodchuck proof flowers they were guaranteed not to eat.

Blanket flower? Check!

 

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Planted two, they haven’t touched them.

 

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(Please note dianthus is on the list and we all know how that turned out.)

Foxglove? Check!

 

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They literally took one bite and ran.

Good thing since it’s the source of  digitalis.

 

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Last on the list? Yarrow.

If you’ve ever had deer nibble your gardens to a nub, you know they hate yarrow.

Every critter hates yarrow…. so I planted yarrow.

 

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So…..

Yeah.

 

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The little buggers are screwing with me.

There’s no other explanation.

 

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And look at that belly…

They’re getting fat doing it!

 

 

Because some things are strange enough for a second look.

 

This popped up in my Facebook memories today and since I wasn’t blogging here 5 years ago?

I have to share.

 

 

As seen in Goodwill, a rubber chicken.

 

 

It was a dog toy, but a more wrong rubber chicken you’re not apt to find.

I suppose you could say they were singing…. but I’m afraid my mind went elsewhere.

And for a further chuckle?

Read the detailed description that came with them.

I dare you not to laugh.

“This rubber chicken is not any ordinary chicken, when you squeeze him he makes a loud screaming sound, it can help you relaxing your pressure and bringing you good mood. This squeaky rubber chicken will make a comical addition to your dog’s toy chest! Screaming sound when you squeeze it “Squeeze me when you are happy. I will make you and your friend laugh” “Squeeze me when you are not happy. I will help you relax” “My shrilling scream will let you have unexpected fun and entertainment, relax and release stress.” Once you have this funny scream chicken you can lose your press and became more smooth.”

 

So go on….. squeeze your chicken.

Hear him scream.

 

Day 4… deck project.

 

Four days in and we were finally ready to start adding the balustrades.

 

 

This involved a large amount of math, which as we have previously discussed… is not our strong suit.

 

 

Measuring was required. So much measuring. The fractions, the division…

Oh! The horror.

I carefully calculated the spacing of 8 rails for each section. I checked and rechecked to make sure it was accurate.

 

 

Which meant 7 of them fit perfectly.

Am I good or what?

 

 

Okay, so there were seven instead of 8.

 

 

It still looked good and things were flowing smoothly.

 

 

Until the screw heads starting popping off.

 

 

Once they were in the railing.

Which made me cringe…. and the husband grab his all purpose fix it tool.

 

 

Have hammer, will travel.

Thankfully no harm was done and we finished 3 out of the 4 sections before calling it a day.

 

 

One more section here..

 

 

Then we’ll move on to the other side.

Hopefully the heat wave will be over by then.

Hot flashing menopausal Maine women with broken toes do not fare well in temperatures over 90.

 

Enough with the substitutes.

 

In the last three months I’ve seen pasta fly off the grocery store shelves.

Pandemic shopping fever has wiped them clean at times and all that was left were substitutes.

Kale linguini?

Not if my life depended on it.

Squash angel hair?

Thank you, no.

So imagine my horror when I saw this in the refrigerated section this morning.

 

 

Tofu fettuccine and spaghetti.

What fresh Hell is this!

I picked up a package and it felt like slimy rubber…. which is probably what it tastes like it as well.

 

And we’re working…

 

Broken toe and all I was assisting…. to which my lovely flip flop tan lines can attest.

 

 

I was staining. And photographing the husband sanding over the two planks he just had me stain.

 

 

He has a very organized work plan.

Not.

Am I organized?

 

 

Screws and washers laid out, paired and waiting to be used.

So yes, damn it…. I am.

 

 

But a railing was installed.

 

 

And measuring was done.

 

 

I would say not enough measuring by the looks of the piece of wood he replaced when I was in the house.

 

 

He tried to tell me it was always like that, but what really happened was this – he removed a section of rotted beam, didn’t have one to replace it… but did have a small 2×4 he thought would do just as well when turned sideways.

Did it match? No.

Was it long enough? No.

But he graduated from the school of  I’m Not Going To The Store To Buy A New Piece When I Have An Old Piece Under The Barn.

His defense rests.

 

 

He promised to “stick a little piece in later” but I doubt that will be an improvement.

*Please note there is a bright yellow 21rst century tool on the deck in the fifth picture. I placed it there hoping the husband would put it to use, but I’m sure you know how that turned out. *