Tag Archives: humor

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When I die….

June 6, 2019 Rivergirl 30 Comments

My epitaph shall read:

Here lies River

She was swallowed by a quince bush.

This is the bush from Hell that lives and multiplies like a rabbit on our property.

Every fall we wack it down to a manageable level, and every spring it comes back with a vengeance.

Yes, the blooms are lovely.

And yes, the bumblebees enjoy it.

Pardon the bee butt shots. Apparently they’re camera shy.

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But damn.

It’s only June and the pink spawn of Satan is already reaching the roof line.

So if I should disappear this summer?

Grab a machete and come get me….

It’s already got three window exits blocked.

I fear the doors are next.

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Did you know…

June 5, 2019 Rivergirl 37 Comments

In 1700’s London, you could purchase insurance against going to Hell?

Proof positive there’s a policy for everything.

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And yes, it’s that time again.

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President Andrew Jackson’s parrot Poll cursed so loudly during his master’s funeral he had to be removed.

Parrots…

You never know what the little bastards will do.

The LEGO company was founded in Denmark in the 1930’s.

It’s name is an abbreviation for the words leg godt which mean “play well”.

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A crocodile’s tongue is attached to the roof of it’s mouth so it doesn’t accidentally bite it when snapping down on prey.

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There is a canine condition known as Frito Feet.

It’s a bacterial foot infection that smells like corn chips.

Sorry Fido.

In ancient Greece women counted their age from the day they were married.

This works for me.

I’m 35.

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The Hawaiian alphabet only contains 12 letters. Five vowels and seven consonants.

You’d think that would make spelling their names easier, but it doesn’t.

The most common name for a goldfish in America is Jaws.

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Because I’m a very technical gardener.

June 4, 2019 Rivergirl 29 Comments

My back is breaking, but the annual planting of annuals is done.

(See what I did there? Word play. I live for that shit.)

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A nice combination of pink and white for the stone wall bed.

There’s this pretty daisy-ish one…

And the pink tinged green leafy thingies.

(See what I mean by technical?

Please try to keep up with the detailed scientific plant descriptions.

There may be a quiz.)

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I liked this purple violet thingamabob…

So I planted 3 with a couple of petunias.

A few coleus for the only little plot of shade we have.

It will be a miracle if I can keep the slugs off them this year.

I plant, they eat. Slimy little bastards…

Note to self – buy more salt.

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Orange lilies…

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Spikey purple whatchamacallit, an impatient and two soft fuzzy green mounds.

I don’t think the fuzzies bloom…

But they’re silky, delicate and sweet, so I don’t care.

Every year the husband says he’s going to tear down our rotting shed, and every year he doesn’t, so I plant yellow and orange stuff in front of it.

Like this whozit which has both.

If you can recite all the Latin names for those plants?

Bravo.

I tend to read them on the tags at the nursery and then forget them as soon as I get home.

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That won’t work.

I don’t know enough rappers.

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That’s better.

I do love me some Cleese.

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Good grief, what next?

June 3, 2019 Rivergirl 44 Comments

I know this has been a “thing” for a while…

But I’m just getting around to mocking it.

Apologies for the tardiness, but there’s just too much crazy out there for a girl to keep up.

A.S.M.R.

Autonomous sensory meridian response.

Definition:

The feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.

ASMR is triggered by things like whispering voices, paper tearing, and scalp massage.

Oh, yes.

This is for real.

And lots of people swear by it.

It’s used for relaxation as well as a sleep aid, and is meant to give the viewer a relaxing tingle at the back of their head.

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Upon researching, I discovered there’s pretty much an A.S.M.R. video of everything.

Hair brushing, eating coconut, fingernail tapping, slime swirling, face plucking, ear cleaning…..

Because come on.

Nothing soothes you to sleep like listening to a good ear cleaning.

And then there’s my personal favorite, dog reviewing fruit.

A.S.M.R.

Because just when I think I’ve seen everything….

Thousands of people step up to prove me wrong.

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Apparently, he likes me.

June 2, 2019 Rivergirl 39 Comments

Sometimes WordPress makes me laugh because I follow a lot of funny people.

Sometimes it makes me laugh because a lot of funny people follow me.

And sometimes it makes me laugh for totally unexpected reasons.

Like the other day when I clicked my notifications and saw this:

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Clearly I must make TANBHIR laugh because he liked the hell out of every comment I made on one of my old posts.

Every single comment.

That’s a lot of laughing.

Not enough for him to actually comment back or add anything to the thread, but clearly TANBHIR likes the like button.

Unfortunately since TANBHIR (Who must be a serious fellow since his name is all CAPS) only wants to help me make money online so I did not return the favor and like him back. I also removed him from my followers list.

Sorry TANBHIR, but I’m not here to make money.

Better luck next time.

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Boys and their (too damned big) toys.

June 1, 2019 Rivergirl 60 Comments

The husband had been sputtering about one for a year, so I knew ….

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Naturally he had to have the biggest one they sold…

And we had to rent a damned trailer to get the silly thing home.

Sigh.

Did we need a lawn mower with a cut radius almost as wide as I am tall?

No.

But we’ve got one now.

And contrary to popular belief…. bigger is not better when trying to fit said mower in your shed.

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I told him it wouldn’t fit before he bought it.

I told him it wouldn’t fit after he bought it.

You know where this is going, right?

It wouldn’t fit.

Yeah. Who saw that coming?

So now…

His precious car is going to live outside so the even more precious new toy can have half of the garage to itself.

Men and their toys.

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Driving women crazy since time immemorial….

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They’re a wee bit confused.

May 31, 2019 Rivergirl 39 Comments

I put birdseed out for the birds….

Which the deer eat.

I put apples out for the deer….

Which the woodchucks eat.

Granted, they’re cute as all get out when they do…

But do they have to eat the deer grain as well?

Sometimes they climb right in the bowl and polish it off.

Which leads the deer to eat…

It’s a vicious circle.

And proves that our backyard creatures are a little confused.

Like this Baltimore Oriole….

Who tries to drink from the hummingbird feeder.

Yes, you.

The owner of this house spends a small fortune keeping you in fresh oranges and grape jelly…. don’t get greedy.

Of course….

This guy?

Eats whatever…

And whoever he wants.

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It’s pretty damned close….

May 30, 2019 Rivergirl 24 Comments

Okay ladies, (Or men. I won’t discriminate) have you ever been to Ulta beauty?

I hadn’t until the other day and my only question is…. why the Hell did I wait so long?

I was like a kid in a candy store, happily skipping up and down the product laden aisles. It was lovely… and I came home with bags full of wondrous scents, ~~war paint~~ make up, lotions, soaps and ~~spackle~~ face creams.

A little known fact, but true nonetheless.

The guys will never understand, but a woman’s search for the perfect mascara can be life long.

We need it…. like air.

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Am I right?

Of course I am.

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Never underestimate the power of cosmetics.

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So imagine my excitement when I found this –

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Yes, you read it correctly.

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Mascara that claims to be better than sex.

You know I had to try it.

The applicator is hourglass shaped…

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For obscure Marilyn Monroe reasons.

And while my husband will be glad that I can honestly report it’s not better than sex.

Believe me when I say…

It’s pretty damned close!!

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Throwing some questions out into the universe.

May 29, 2019 Rivergirl 31 Comments

Why is it that….

Every time you’re in a rush to get out the door?

Great Aunt Trudy will call and want to regale you with detailed stories of her piles.

If I didn’t want to hear about them the last 3 times we spoke? Chances are I really don’t want to hear about them when I’m 10 minutes late for an appointment.

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Why is it that…

Every time I cut my hand in the kitchen?

I’m in danger of bleeding out because I can’t get the damned Bandaid package open with one hand.

Seriously, WTH?

Why is it that…

Even though I’m a font of useless knowledge, I let my friends down last week when I couldn’t come up with the winning answer in a trivia game tie breaker at my local bar?

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