I looked out the window the other day and saw something that terrified me.
Don’t laugh.
It was momma red squirrel and she looked…..
Fat.
And since red squirrels don’t get fat?
There can only be one explanation…..
She’s pregnant again.
Tag Archives: humor
How does this happen?
A little background before we begin:
I have a YouTube channel.
The only reason I have a YouTube channel is so I can post short ridiculous videos of meaningless drivel here on my blog.
Nests, ducks, ants, roof leaks and the ever popular baby barn.
As you can see by the number of views, my audience is limited. And who can blame them? Watching my roof leak will only excite a small demographic.
Yes, occasionally a friend will stumble on my channel and watch a few…. but without my blog narrative they don’t make a whole lot of sense.
Which is fine, because I don’t have time for… nor interest in…. promoting this channel.
So I have to ask… why?
Why have I gone from 8 subscribers to 805?
And while I don’t mean this to be a racially charged statement…. there aren’t any John or Jane Smiths on the list.
Totskie Pacino.
Al’s 3rd cousin twice removed? Could be.
After a little research, I found comments.
I didn’t understand them, but I found them.
And upon further study it seems this video, that I posted when we visited the Jacksonville, Florida Zoo 2 years ago….
Is the reason.
Holy mother of wombats!
It went from 7 views to 100,000 in the span of a week.
And a few days later?
Another 92,000 views. WTH?
Is there some lame international search engine that was so desperate to provide results they chose my far from riveting 51 second clip over this?
I’m befuddled.
I mean hell, my video wasn’t titled Look At This Awesome Tiger! So why are 192,988 people searching the web for IMG 5867?
Yes, I’m befuddled. And also a little ticked.
Clearly Evelyne Robinson hasn’t been paying attention.
If I did indeed have a tiger?
He’d be as fat as momma woodchuck and unable to nimbly traverse my lovely backyard waterfall.
*Note to self – check into installing lovely backyard waterfall. Red squirrels can’t swim*
Yes, my views are up.
But once these subscribers realize it’s nothing but woodchucks and barn insulation, I fear my stats will be taking a dramatic downturn.
Sorry Totskie.
CSA and grocery store chuckles.
The summer bounty continues.
And if you’ve never tried fresh lemon basil?
Please do. It’s wonderful.
Vegan bratwurst? Oh, the horror!
Kindly keep your kale out of my artery clogging sausage. If this shows up at the next beer festival I attend….. there will be blood in the streets.
My only question here is… why?
And for something on the opposite end of the spectrum…..
Which also makes me ask… why?
Heritage popcorn?
Proof positive yuppies will buy anything that’s ridiculously overpriced.
Is it any surprise this was the only bottle left? I think not.
And finally, the real shock of the day.
Toilet paper is back… and brand names at that!
So if you heard them broadcast a code for ‘crazy lady doing happy dance on aisle 13’?
Pay no attention, the unadulterated joy of not wiping my butt with sandpaper just got away from me for a moment.
If looks could kill.
One minute you’re happily eating dinner side by side with your woodchuck brother.
Until he realizes his lettuce and carrot tops might not be as tasty as what you have….
And moves in on your watermelon.
If looks could kill.
That’s one dead chuck.
My blue heaven….
We’re rapidly running out of fresh blueberries thanks to the crows…. so it was time to whip out my all time favorite blue recipe.
Lemon blueberry pound cake with a lemon zest glaze.
Ooh la la…. the batter has a stick of butter in it.
And once you add the berries?
I eat it like ice cream.
Do I make a mess when I bake?
You could say that.
But it’s so worth it.
Three loaves of buttery berried goodness.
I ran into a little SNAFU after they cooled and I started to make the glaze.
2017? No problem….
Expiration dates are for the weak.
But settle down, I Googled it.
There.
If Google says it’s alright? Who am I to argue.
Lemon zest glaze.
I tend to do more than drizzle.
Because when have you ever heard someone say, “I’ll take mine with less fabulousness please?”
Recipe as requested.
It should be noted I double…. oh alright, sometimes triple…. the glaze ingredients.
Because sometimes ya just gotta sing.
As this fellow did.
Loud and proud.
All the way down our road…..
( Turn your volume way up to experience it as I did. I swear you could hear him half a mile away. )
My worst nightmare come true.
It’s happening.
Red squirrel.
And woodchuck.
A common goal.
A shared food source.
An alliance.
Partners….
Synchronizing positions.
I’m doomed.
They’re still here….
Still stealing deer food.
And when it’s too big to finish in one sitting?
They’re still planting.
And I’m still cleaning up scattered dirt.
And squirrel poo.
Help me out with this…
Aren’t teenagers supposed to grow up and move out?
They’re in league with Amazon.
It’s a conspiracy.
I know it.
Those damn red squirrels have been plotting and now they’ve got corporate behind them.
How do I know this?
Because yesterday I got this box from Amazon:
Race cars….
For squirrels!
I’m doomed.
Because I was tired of waiting.
Ever since we installed the new deck railings we’ve needed to re-stain the deck. And by we, I mean me… because while he’ll constantly remark it needs to be done? The husband never does it. Not once in 18 years.
Problem is, we needed to buy a new pressure washer to clean the siding and I didn’t want to stain until that happened.
So I waited. And waited….. and waited some more.
( Never nagging. No. Not me.)
But after the husband saw the prices of a new Honda pressure washer?
I feel confident saying it’s not happening anytime soon.
So I moved things to the lawn, grabbed my brush and went to work.
Many holy hell why is it surface of the sun hot hours later…
I was done.
And pretty pleased with the results.
Dirty siding aside, it looks nice.
Clean, fresh and ready for the red squirrel family’s onslaught of poo.
Next morning fog shot just because.
