Because we all need a chuckle.
Well done kitty.
Now step up your game and fetch us some toilet paper.
Does anyone think about all the poor out of work hookers?
No.
But I’m sure they’re feeling the pinch as well… although probably not in the places they’re used to.
Sad, but true.
Also sad, but true.
I read a cockroach can survive for 6 months without it’s brain. Hell, Keith’s got that record beat already.
Other places?
Ay caramba!
Even I’ll say amen to that.
Our town’s FB page has been filled with blog fodder lately.
Here are a few of the best…
Name That Scat?
You can’t get quality posts like this in the city.
No sir.
Damn, I wonder if that drone crackpot who wrapped himself in tinfoil lives close by?
No anal probes needed here.
This is utterly fabulous.
No joke.
Good thing the husband didn’t see this.
Free is a four letter word as far as I’m concerned.
Christ…
I hope not.
Our townspeople are so helpful.
Because you can never be too prepared for Zombies.
Toilet paper…
What’s that?
The Easter Bunny was spotted last month, although I’m not sure why he needed a cannon.
Thankfully this person lives on the other side of town because while tire planters are never a good idea….
Hot pink tire planters would strain even Mr. Rogers’ love for his neighbors.
During the plague and it’s subsequent lock down, women haven’t had many reasons to dress up.
No dinner out, no theater, no cocktail parties. Most of the time we’re schlepping around the house in our favorite yoga pants and a ratty tee shirt.
Trips to the grocery store are now big occasions. Outfits must be coordinated and accessorized accordingly.
So tell me, how’d I do?
Grey sweater, pink and grey floral mask.
I’m ashamed to admit I now have at least a dozen masks in assorted patterns and colors.
Pathetic, but what’s a girl to do? It’s the new fashion staple.
Nothing too exciting on the grocery store trip this time around…. there’s still no toilet paper.
Or flour, or soup.
But now we can add pasta to the list of hoarded items.
The only kind I could find?
Turmeric spaghetti.
To which I say not just no….
But Hell no.
Have you heard of Goop?
Until recently the only one I knew about was this:
And honestly?
I wish to Hell it had stayed that way.
But no… a friend of mine had to start waxing poetic about the company Gwyneth Paltrow started. Not caring much about self help websites or Gwyneth Paltrow, I was politely zoning out…. until she mentioned something she thought I just had to buy.
Yes.
It’s for real. Though why in the world she thought I needed one I have no clue.
If can someone tell me why geranium, bergamot, cedar and rose smell like a vagina…. I’ll be forever in your debt.
And if that wasn’t ridiculous enough?
There’s this:
Now I like jade as much as the next girl, but…. no.
No, I don’t like jade that much.
I admit the instructions made me snort…
But I seriously doubt I’ll be searching for a sacred space to store one anytime soon.
Spring has been a long time coming and I’m way behind on my garden work.
By this time I’ve usually got all the beds cleaned out and a few flowers blooming.
This year?
I’ve got weeds.
And random spikey things.
I spent 3 hours today getting rid of both.
I also reseated the brick border and tackled a bit of the bush from Hell.
If anyone ever asks if you want a flowering quince? Run.
Run far, and fast.
Preferably after you punch them in the throat for suggesting it in the first place.
Ours was here when we moved in and we’ve been battling it ever since. It grows over the roof each season and has roots that are 300 friggin’ feet deep. We’ve tried to dig it up, burn it out and hack it down to nubs numerous times.
I believe it likes the challenge….. and comes back stronger every time.
Did I mention it’s also full of thorns?
Good times.
I did 6 beds in the back and on the side of the house and felt good….
Until….
I turned over a brick and disturbed an ant nest. Within seconds those little suckers were crawling all over me and I had to run for a hose.
I rinsed most of them off but not before a few crawled up my pant leg.
Sadly, yes…. there were.
And the little bastards bit me too.
They’re everywhere.. including here.
And while I like a nice manicure as much as the next girl?
I don’t think I’m quite ready to share Mr. Ed’s beauty routine.
This next product confuses me.
If my ears are cold….
Why am I sweating? And if I’m sweating….
Why are my ears cold? This makes no sense.
Third on the list –
This bothers me for two reasons.
First, the name. I mean really…. there’s only one thing I think of when I hear the word tinkle, and an eyebrow razor isn’t even close.
Second… why are sharp instruments being packaged in cutsie pastel colors with a cartoon bound to attract children?
Little Susie doesn’t want a teddy bear…. give her something to slash her wrists with instead. It’s pink!
Again with the lazy ass people products.
Because yes, cell phones really are too heavy.
Finally, there’s a product I didn’t even know I needed.
My pillowcase is giving me pimples!
When the hell did that start?
Starting today there’s going to be a new lifeguard keeping an eye on Florida’s beaches.
Heck, I already look like death warmed over in a bikini….
I don’t need the reaper to remind me.
But really, how can you not love these art re-creations?
Look at that woman!
Having her husband’s head on a platter has simply made her day worth living.
The nose is a little less spectacular, but okay.
Wow.
Im not sure which is more disturbing, the original or the remake.
Is it me…
Or does that guy look like George Harrison’s Indian guru from the 60’s?
Art imitating life, or life imitating art?
Either way…. that man is slaying it.
And now, the final picture.
Which couldn’t be any more relevant if it tried.
On a gloomy, overcast Sunday morning….we started putting trim board on the baby barn at 9:00am.
At 10:00am we were still on the first piece.
And yes, at 11:00am we were still there as well.
Frustrating?
A wee bit.
Cutting angles is not our forte….. and it almost made me wish I’d paid more attention in 7th grade geometry.
A lot of serious thought, planning… not to mention cursing…. was going on right there.
And before you say “Use a mitre saw!”, we did. But the building is less than straight and square and when we finally did manage to get it right?
It was still wrong.
Thank God for flashing. It covers a multitude of sins.
So this side looked good.
But when we turned the corner?
Not so much.
How the Hell did that happen?
There was only one solution.
Sit on the big barn porch and photograph it from far away.
Yes.
Much better.
More flashing, more nightmarish trim board.
And if you’re asking what I contributed to the project?
Besides acting as a general gopher…. because when the husband is up his tools are down, and when he’s down his tools are up… my contribution was this:
Classic tunes on shuffle.
There he goes again, ever the optimist.
Thankfully the husband used to do roofing when he was young, so yes. The shingles were perfectly level.
And because he was so thrilled something was finally level?
He checked it again.
And again.
I gave up on him at 6:00pm and headed inside for dinner, but he was out there until 8:00 trying to reach the top.
He didn’t quite make it.
I can’t help myself, so bear with me.
Never thought I’d say this, but Girl with With Pearl Earring needs a shave.
That’s mildly disturbing.
This, even more so.
His master’s voice is definitely not as poignant in the 21rst Century.
But this?
Besides wine….
The best use of grapes, ever.
River's world..... 