Or is our woodchuck beginning to look like Jabba the Hut?
Look closely now…
Can you see the resemblance?
I think it’s pretty clear.
They could be twins.
Yup.
Tag Archives: humor
Too good not to share… the finale.
Crazy real estate agent’s photos part 3, and let’s start it off with a bang.
Or a boom as the case may be..
There’s so much wrong with this I don’t even know where to start. Aside from the obvious WTF factor…. this guy looks like he’s getting ready to goose you. Why are his hands open wide? Why do you have to reach into his chest to flush? And considering what he must see everyday… why the hell is he smiling?
Wow.
Someone clearly had too much time… and acrylic paint… on their hands.
Just your normal bathroom/dining room combo…
And bathroom/kitchen combo….
And bathroom/bedroom combo.
Porches.
Not just for outside anymore.
When you live in the city… but your wife really wants a cow.
Because sun shade awnings are stylish anywhere.
Proof positive there is such a thing as too much togetherness.
Truly.
I’m not sure what’s more disturbing about this bizarre bathtub… the fact that it’s covered in carpet?
That it has 4 decorative poles?
Or that it appears to have an electric heater installed on the side?
I don’t know.
I really don’t.
Hurricane humor….
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve experienced many terrible storms over the years. When we lived down south we had trees come through the windows and parts of our roof ripped off. The destruction is real and nothing to be taken lightly…..
That being said, we also had a sense of humor.
We had to.
And while my heart breaks for the people of the Bahamas suffering the devastation of Dorian, I’m twisted enough to laugh along with my friends in Florida who were spared the worst of her.
Their FB page had this the other day…
A very useful thing when you’re living on canned goods and snacks because there’s no electricity.
They also posted this pic of their local grocery store.
Now really… how bad does your bread have to be to be the only brand left on the shelf during a hurricane?
And finally, this news blurb I saw on my phone.
Phil? I have two words for you –
Spell check.
It has clearly been a loooong time.
Waiting for the husband the other day….. (I swear, that man will talk to a rock) I sat aimlessly, playing with my phone.
Scoped Apple news, saw an article on concerts in Las Vegas and thought, we have timeshare resorts there…. I’ll take a look.
Lady Gaga in October?
That could be fun.
Or not…
I believe my jaw literally dropped open.
Okay, I get it.
I’m old.
My concert going days ended with the Grateful Dead and CSN. Back when a record was an actual vinyl record… (look it up kids, V- I- N- Y- L)
But mother of god!
$8,097 for 2 tickets?
For that price I’ll want Gaga to rip some of that meat off her dress, cook me dinner and do the dishes when she finishes singing.
Who the hell can afford that?
Again… I know, I’m old. 55, that’s practically dead.
And the last ticket price I paid was probably $75.
But damn.
You shouldn’t have to mortgage your house to see a show.
You’re never too old to learn… Succulent Picture Frame.
Gather round students…. the Maine is this for real? Adult Education classes continue.
If you live in Maine you can learn some wonderful things. So far in this riveting series we’ve had:
You’re never too old to learn…. Spoons.
You’re never to old to learn…. Potatoes.
You’re never too old to learn…. Ukulele
You’re never too old to learn…. Chakra Toning.
You’re never too old to learn…. Mindfulness.
You’re never to old to learn…. Tin Cans.
You’re never too old to learn…. Knotweed Flutes.
And today we continue with Succulent Picture Frames.
(Disclaimer – This class does not require sucking. But I think that’s offered at PT’s Showclub in Portland.)
Course description:
Succulent Picture Frame
Having live plants around as we transition into fall will brighten every day and beautify your home. You will set up your own succulent picture frame with a variety of plants to create your own living art! You will also receive instruction on how to care for this gorgeous creation to enjoy it all year long. The price of the course includes all materials to make one succulent picture frame. Materials fee of $60 included in the price of the course. No discounts.
A frame. Made out of plants.
My first question is why?
Don’t get me wrong, I love plants… they’re beautiful and versatile.
As well as great disguises when you’re stalking an ex.
They can even rid your house of pesky flies… I get it.
Though we all know that can go horribly wrong…
But hell, I can hardly be bothered to dust my current picture frames, now they want me to water one?
No.
Because while I have lovely outdoor gardens, and a house full of healthy green leafy plants?
I will kill each and every succulent I touch.
I must over water….. or love them too much.
Because yes, apparently that’s a thing.
So if I want my walls to be covered in framed plants?
I’ll just dye my cobwebs green and call it good.
Things I don’t like today… chapter 2.
I don’t like…
Going out to the barn for something and finding the husband has bought another…. yeah, whatever the hell that is.
It’s a good thing he has a fold up cot in there. He might be needing it.
I don’t like….
Going out to the barn for something, and not being able to find it because the husband has too much rusty old useless crap treasure stacked in there. And I really don’t like having some of that crap fall on my still sore, recently broken, now permanently out of whack toe.
Yeah.
Another month of not wearing a shoe. Good times…
I don’t like…
Getting out of my car after driving to the store and finding I’d committed Monarchacide.
Poor little beauty.
I didn’t see you…. honestly.
And finally,
I don’t like….
Unicorn onesies for adults.
Come on….
I say, that’s who.
I will not have a good time cleaning and organizing my house in a unicorn onesie.
Good God, what’s wrong with people?
That’s what tequila is for.
Pepper’s Landing
A restaurant review in which we make cocks out of mocks.
I’ll explain later…
Pepper’s Landing is a new seafood place we’d been wanting to try.
It follows the latest trend of slightly industrial looking spaces, with exposed duct work and open rafters.
Being Maine, naturally there’s a live lobster tank.
And being allergic, naturally they sat me right next to it. Cruel and unusual punishment to be sure.
There was also this handy technical breakdown for the lobsterly challenged among us.
I got a huge kick out of this as no Mainer worth their salt would ever eat the body (carapace). Of course no Mainer would ever call it a carapace either.
Though “Do not eat head” is always sound advice in a restaurant.
But call me crazy, I don’t think advertising your lobster as “stringy” and “gamey” is going to win many converts.
Moving on…
I opted for a blueberry martini, which was delightfully potent… but my girlfriend chose the Blue Atlantic mocktail….
And then added two shots of Grey Goose.
Putting the cock in her mock.
Fresh blueberries, fresh basil…. it was fabulous! And what we drank from then on.
We saw some massive bar pretzels going by, but opted for blueberry bbq wings…
And crab quesadillas instead.
Wings? Quite good.
Quesadillas? Not nearly enough crab.
Perhaps they fought back in the kitchen…
I chose the seafood pasta, which was basically scampi…
And though it looked bland…. it was fresh, perfectly cooked and with just the right amount of garlic.
Husband went with baked haddock in sherried butter and lobster cream sauce with asparagus.
Pardon the blurred photo, I think the Grey Goose was kicking in.
Dessert was cheesecake for the husband.
And a traditional Maine Whoopie Pie for me.
Slightly disappointing as it had been frozen and hadn’t thawed out properly. One should not risk breaking a tooth when one eats a Whoopie.
Rating?
B – , but worth trying again.
As my garden grows…
Day lilies.
They’re vibrant…
And colorful…
(Is it me… or is that mildly disturbing?)
They’re prolific…
Long lasting…
(Well that explains why my refrigerator died. They wanted it to.)
And easy to care for.
Plant… forget… and enjoy.
The same goes for Hostas, although they prefer some shade.
Everything is in marvelous bloom right now.
Except the sunflowers the chipmunk from Hell planted in my petunias.
They may take a while.
Happy gardening!
Who knew?
I did, because…
Did you know…
The phrase “hands down” (as in “He won that game hands down.”) was first used in the 19th century to describe a horse racing victory? It signified the jockey was so far ahead he could drop the reins and relax his arms.
Well, not quite.
Did you know….
Bruno Mars played an Elvis impersonator as a child in the 1992 film Honeymoon in Vegas?
It’s true.
Did you know….
Mosquito repellants do not repel, they hide.
The spray blocks a mosquito’s sensors so they don’t even know you’re there.
Did you know…
During WWII, America tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Silly Americans, what were we thinking?
Bats won’t even play fetch.
Did you know….
The Roman emperor Caligula made his horse a Senator.
Maybe we should try this….
It can’t be any worse.
Did you know…
The Bible has been translated into Klingon?
Well, you do now.
Too good not to share… Part 2.
Before we found our current house, I went on what I lovingly refer to as the “Homes From Hell Tour” with my real estate agent. It was a seller’s market back in 2002 and they were selling some crazy sh*t.
We found a bedroom floor with a large hole in the center. It was a crater, you could see 2 stories down…. we found a trampoline in a living room with bumper pads on the walls and ceiling…. and we found a room entrance completely covered with blue tarps and duct tape. Apparently you only got to see what was in there if you purchased the place.
So yes, these crazy realtor photos make me laugh.
Curtains.
You’re doing it wrong.
When you’re bound and determined to make use of every last inch of space.
Good luck finding a bath mat to fit there.
I’m speechless.
And that doesn’t happen very often…
Good to know.
If you really, really, really want to live by the ocean… but can’t afford it.
And finally..
When you can’t afford wallpaper, but grandma has some spare rugs in her attic.
River's world..... 