Tag Archives: humor

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Bad idea…. really bad.

March 29, 2019 Rivergirl 42 Comments

Yes.

I admit to drinking the occasional Coca Cola.

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And yes.

I know it’s not healthy….

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Alright, that’s disturbing.

But I probably only drink one or two a month, like dessert.

It’s sugary enough to satisfy my sweet tooth…. and hey.

If it can clean the corrosion off a car battery? It can do the same to my colon. Everybody wins.

I’m not going to get into the Coke vs Pepsi debate…

Because there’s really only one acceptable way to drink Pepsi.

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And while I do find Cherry Coke acceptable now and then?

I’ve never tasted another flavor I could tolerate and have to wonder why they keep putting new ones on the market.

It’s Coke.

It has 7,000 tablespoons of sugar per ounce and two cans will put you into diabetic coma. I get it. Now leave it alone and stop trying to invent new ways for us to drink it.

(Please note this does not stop me from trying every single one. Hope springs eternal.)

The latest roll out?

Orange vanilla.

I had visions of a Creamsicle Coke!

It works for martinis… why not Coke.

How bad could it be?

Answer-

Bad.

Very, very bad.

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Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Pour it directly on your corroded car battery (or filthy toilet) and be done with it.

I wouldn’t have thought it possible to screw up orange vanilla anything, but they did.

Give it a wide berth on the grocery aisle. Tasting like radioactive waste might not be a coincidence…

It’s that bad.

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Where’s the fish?

March 28, 2019 Rivergirl 26 Comments

We love trying new restaurants and supporting small local businesses, so when Urban Element opened?

We were all in.

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Do you love me?

Am I supposed to love you?

I just walked in…

Stop trying so hard.

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The new trend in restaurant decor in Maine seems to be minimalist rustic. While I’m fine with barn boards and a lack of clutter….

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The chairs that are popping up everywhere seriously make me want to scream.

They’re metal, with small seats and side bars that painfully pin you in place. Definitely not for the amply hipped who walk amongst us.

If the plan is to get you in and out quickly?

These rustic torture devices do the trick.

It was Sunday afternoon at 2:00. And a couple of Happy Time Fizz cocktails made me quite happy indeed….

But here’s another trend that continues to tick me off.

Brunch.

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I understand, it’s the weekend. You don’t get up early, and you want to eat breakfast late. Fine.

But it’s 2:00pm people! If you just recently rolled out of bed? You’re a teenage stoner sleeping one off and can’t afford these prices anyway.

To me, 2:00pm means lunch…even on Sunday. I had eaten breakfast 7 hours ago and didn’t feel the need to repeat the process.

The specials? All breakfast. The menu? 99% breakfast with one exception. The fried haddock sandwich.

Great.

Bring it…

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They brought it..

But damn.

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I’ve had thicker fish sandwiches at McDonalds and I wasn’t even sure that was fish.

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Mentally tallying up the reasons we weren’t apt to go back to this restaurant, I did what any normal (still rather hungry from lack of fish) girl would do.

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I drowned my sorrows in flourless chocolate torte.

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That’s my kind of math.

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Because I’m that kind of wife.

March 26, 2019 Rivergirl 30 Comments

My husband recently had a birthday.

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Yes.

I’m that kind of wife as well, but I digress.

Along with some very nice, serious gifts…

I ordered him something from Amazon.

The box it came in was rather disappointing.

But nothing could dampen the sheer joy I felt at giving him….

A rock.

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Yes, Cindy.

I did.

I bought him a rock…

A rock!

Or rather, a solid metal rock replica.

Because after our recent vacation in Arizona, and all the amazing rocks we saw out there… ( did I tell you about that? I seem to remember some subtle mentioning of rocks) …. I had to present my beloved with his very own rock (replica).

And may I just say?

Bravo Amazon.

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I don’t know what kind of algorithm you’re running, but as I was searching the mystery/thriller book section?

You recommended a rock.

Talk about knowing your audience.

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And so am I.

I never knew Jeff Bezos had time to read my blog.

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Let’s talk chicken…

March 25, 2019 Rivergirl 24 Comments

As promised.

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Yes, we’re really doing this.

Chapter 1.

Having had many one sided chicken conversations, I was looking forward to this.

Chicken cheerleaders…

Who knew?

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Apparently Animal Planet, who features them in the annual Puppy Bowl.

Though they do need to work on their pom pom skills a bit.

And here I thought the only variety of peeps worth noting came at Easter.

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Tidbitting?

I love learning new words.

While I’ve had various roosters chase me over the years, I never once thought to challenge them to a dance off.

But clearly, they’ve got moves.

So it’s official… my spirit animal is a chicken.

I love to sunbathe as well.

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*Note to self – do not Google sunbathing chicken or you will find one on the menu of a restaurant in Japan, complete with dipping sauce and white bread beach chair.*

This is educational stuff!

So the next time you hear a chicken say Buh-dup?

I expect you to politely return the greeting…. with a silent prayer of thanks to me for the translation.

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Why yes.

Yes, I am.

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I broke the unbreakable. And snow.

March 24, 2019 Rivergirl 39 Comments

I can break anything.

Really. It’s one of my lesser known talents.

You know those cheap Corelle bowls?

The ones you can’t kill?

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Well…

I didn’t even have to put it on the stovetop or broiler.

Yay me.

In other news, it snowed.

Again.

To which people in Maine replied….

A simple reminder that we’ve had enough frigid blasts of white stuff followed by 52 degree days and melting.

Of course, the melting does allow us to participate in the annual derby.

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The pothole fishing derby.

Loads of fun for the entire family….

But not your car.

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When the universe tries to tell you something….

March 23, 2019 Rivergirl 24 Comments

Have you ever had one of those days when all the signs were pointing somewhere?

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Hopefully it’s not there.

I had one of those days last week.

It started when I checked the weather forecast.

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Fair enough.

We were out of beer.

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And on my way to the grocery store?

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Okay, I get it.

Corporate America wants in on everything lately.

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But then..

The car that pulled in next to me at the store?

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And while not all signs are clear…

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I’m guessing the universe did not wish me to remain sober that day.

And one should never argue with the universe.

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Or my husband, who brought home an interesting wine that night.

What’s a girl to do?

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Is this a thing?

March 22, 2019 Rivergirl 37 Comments

Every once in a while I go shopping, see something…

And say whaaaaat?

Like this strange product I spotted at T.J.Maxx.

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Ear candles.

Do they set the mood for the intimate dinner parties I hold inside my head?

Or is it a new way to light someone’s cigarette?

WTH?

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Naturally relaxing?

Which part?

When the hot wax drips onto my face and burns away my eyebrows…

Or when the flame catches my hairspray on fire and I spontaneously combust?

I posted this ridiculous product on my FB page and immediately had 2 friends commented that they’d tried it.

(Note to self – re-examine criteria for picking friends)

One said she had it done at a spa. (Pay money for someone to light a candle and stick it in my ear? Not happening.)

The other said it has health benefits and it removed his ear wax. ( I researched this and there is no medical evidence to support the claim)

(It should also be noted this guy smokes a little weed)

(Okay, a lot of weed.)

This is how it supposedly works.

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“… patient might hear sizzling noise” ?

Yeah.

That’s either the sound of your brain frying….. or P.T. Barnum’s ghost dancing a jig in your ear canal.

I’m all for alternate remedies that don’t line the pocket of big pharma, but sorry.

The only way a flame is getting that near my face is if someone lights my Sambuca.

`1234

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Peace, love…. and no thanks.

March 21, 2019 Rivergirl 51 Comments

It’s been a long running joke in our marriage that my husband went to Woodstock ….

(Yes, the original. And yes, he’s that old)

Took a look around, and left.

Left!

Left the greatest live musical event in history!

I know, that was my reaction too.

The joke is, had I known this disturbing piece of information before we got married… it would have been a deal breaker.

In August of 1969, when the counter culture was doing this?

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And listening to this?

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I was…

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Yeah. Walking the dog with some sassy red kicks.

Needless to say, I was too young to attend.

So years later, when I heard my beloved other half say Woodstock “wasn’t his scene”, and that he had hitch hiked to New York that August, joined the throngs of hippies walking to the concert, “saw a bunch of half naked people dancing and smoking dope” and decided to leave?

A little piece of me died.

I would have killed to be there. Rain, mud et al.

In my hippie days of the late 70’s, the closest I got was following the Dead around New England… or going to the Claremont Music Festival in New Hampshire. We camped out, we smoked weed, it rained… but it still wasn’t Woodstock.

And now, in August 2019 on the 50th anniversary? There’s another Woodstock brewing.

I was thrilled!

The husband even agreed to go!

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(Probably just to shut me up about the first one, but who cares!)

And then I saw the list of performers.

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And while a few of the original artists will be there…. Santana, Fogerty from CCR, Country Joe McDonald and David Crosby (no, I’m not counting Dead and Company with John Mayer. Please! Without Jerry, they’re not the Dead)…. scanning the list made me want to cry.

Soccer Mommy? Pussy Riot? Amigo the Devil?

Damn. I must be old, because I don’t know half of these groups. And while I love the Black Keys, Dawes, The Lumineers, and a handful of others? My need for more classic rock, folk or blues from back in the day makes me think to hell with it. You can’t go home again.

And apparently you can’t go back to Max Yasgur’s farm either because the event is being held 150 miles away in Watkins Glen.

At the race track.

With a limited amount of tickets because they’re worried about traffic jams.

Traffic jams?

Good god.

There’s even an app.

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Peace, love and music?

I doubt it. The Millennials have taken over and it will probably be merchandised to within an inch of it’s life and have more to do with profit than peace and brotherhood.

Sigh…

Sorry husband. It looks like you’re still going to have to take my crap about leaving the first one.

And rightfully so.

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I drink and I know things.

March 20, 2019 Rivergirl 39 Comments

I do.

And I have the shirt to prove it.

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People often say I’m a font of useless knowledge…

(Okay it’s just my husband who says that, and it’s usually to keep me from talking during John Wayne movies) But I do rock at Trivial Pursuit and no one will play with me anymore. So that means I’m going to have to share ~~the ridiculous tidbits that fill my head~~ my fun facts here.

With you.

On a regular basis.

Shall we begin?

That’s the spirit.

#1. The first toilet ever seen on television was on Leave It To Beaver.

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Why do I know this?

I don’t know… I just do.

Another?

#2. Dr. Seuss pronounced his name so it rhymed with rejoice.

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Dr. Soice? Say it isn’t so!

But it is.

You’re welcome.

#3. A leech has 32 brains.

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32 brains?

That seems like serious overkill, seeing that most government officials can’t find their first.

#4. The world’s widest road is the Monumental Axis in Brazil where 160 cars can drive side by side.

Yeah.

And you know that guy in the far left lane is still going to try and take that right hand exit 100 feet before the ramp.

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#5. Three Mile Island is only 2.5 miles long.

Clearly a man named it, as they all measure 6 inches incorrectly.

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I think this goes without saying.

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I’m related to a snowball.

March 19, 2019 Rivergirl 40 Comments

This probably doesn’t surprise most of you..

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But perhaps I should explain.

A few years ago my girlfriend infected me with the genealogy bug, and let me tell you…. once you catch it? There is no cure.

Before I knew it I was wandering dusty old libraries and searching moth eaten town halls.

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Yes, I’ve even stalked a few cemetery custodians.

They’re a font of valuable information.

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It’s fair to say I was obsessed for a while and spent ~~hours, days, weeks, months~~ way too much time climbing the old family tree.

Some lines are frustrating and dead end right away.

Other lines like my paternal grandmother’s, I traced back to the year 1134. It helps when you have someone famous… most of the work has been done for you.

One of my semi famous relatives?

Jabez B. Snowball