My first attempt at stumping WordPress readers with the husband’s crap failed miserably.
Clearly, you lot know your crap.
No, it’s really not.
But let’s try again anyway.
It stands approximately two feet tall and is made of wood and metal.
What it is?
Yes, it is.
But I’ll need you to be more specific….
You know the ones I mean.
The “Oh holy crap, did someone really just give me that?” variety.
When I was a teenager I had an aunt who ran a department at Time/Life. She attended numerous publishing conventions and thought it was great fun to collect the freebies off the exhibitors tables and then wrap them up as gifts. Over the years I received Exxon pencil sets, IBM keychains, and Dow Chemical clipboards. I got Sheraton note paper and Hilton shampoo. I even unwrapped Army camouflage toilet paper for my birthday one year.
Good times.
But every once in a while, she would actually purchase something. Not a hardship, considering the woman had a blue chip stock portfolio as long as my arm.
When I was 15, she must have gone to a thrift store….because she came home and gifted me with a slightly used “pretty blue and white porcelain thing.”
That’s what she called it, The Thing….. not knowing what it really was. When she apologized for the strong smell and told me I should probably wash it?
I realized it was a bong.
Okay, so she nailed it that time.
Me and The Thing had many happy years together.
But by far the most interesting and ludicrous gift she ever gave me was this book I found when cleaning out my closet a few weeks ago.
She majored in English Lit at Smith and probably thought a collection of light hearted verse would be nice.
But sadly…
Attention to detail was not her strong suit.
As witnessed by the table of contents.
Yeah.
When you have a chapter on buggery?
They’re not your mother’s limericks.
I’m not a prude, but wow.
Some of those rhymes make even me blush.
And as much as I’d like to share the truly colorful ones with you, I don’t want to get WordPress blacklisted.
So here’s a small sampling of the mildest instead.
The moral of the story?
If you’re buying a book as a gift, it’s probably a good idea to scan a few of the pages for content first.
That being said, if you’re ever in need of a filthy limerick…
I’m your girl.
See?
There’s a way to sneak Game of Thrones into everything.
Admit it, you’d thought I’d forgotten about this series.
Well, I didn’t.
And in case you missed chapter 1…
Onward!
Chapter 2.
Chicken etiquette.
(Be honest…
Where else can you find quality blog content like this?
No where, that’s where.)
Chickens are the most common bird on earth.
And since they out number us by 43 billion?
You might want to pay attention.
The uprising could come any day now.
Pecking order is important… and not always based on size. Scientists believe breed, intelligence and personality allow chickens to size up other members of the flock. Knowing your place is what it’s all about.
The usual hen house order goes like this:
The rooster is king.
Let’s call him Jon…
Next is the head hen…
We shall call her Sansa.
Then there’s the sentinel.
Whose name is Arya.
And finally, the weak bottom dweller…
Who, of course… is named Theon.
(Hey, it’s Game of Thrones final season…
It can’t all be about chickens.)
But here’s a tidbit of trivia you probably could have gone all day without knowing.
Cold hearted bitches, chickens.
But who can blame her when a man with better hair comes along?
I read an article the other day about one of the world’s most expensive teas.
Yes, tea.
Those lovely little leaves you drop into hot water and steep.
Pure ambrosia….
As long as it’s not the dishwater my MIL used to drink.
If you’re drinking tea? For God’s sake, drink tea.
I love tea, and am always intrigued to try a new one.
Except the one I read about the other day. It was called PET, short for Panda Ecological Tea. This particular tea sells for $200 a cup….. and if that’s not enough to frighten you away, the fact that’s it’s grown in China and is fertilized entirely with panda poo should be.
Apparently pandas poo 40 – 50 times a day, so I’m guessing supply isn’t an issue.
Grown high in the Ya’an mountainous region of Sichuan China, the panda manure tea—or Panda Ecological Tea (PET) by its formal name—is said to be smooth, and offer health benefits because of the way that pandas digest bamboo in the wild—which leaves around 70% of the nutrients in their dung, not their bodies.
Panda manure has also been shown to carry bacteria that break down organic waste more effectively than any other known source. One experiment showed that the bacteria broke 100 kilograms of waste down into 3 kilograms after only a 17 week period, with only carbon dioxide and water byproducts. Researchers think that there is a market for this organic compound capable of reducing waste by 96%, but whether or not organic tea at $200 per cup is the answer, is questionable.
Questionable?
Probably.
Although you can’t fault the marketing campaign….
It’s simply delightful.
And while I was researching this topic?
I stumbled across another panda poo product…
A new type of luxury facial tissue made with recycled Panda feces is set to be launched in China.
The bizarre product, called “Panda poo,” will retail at for $6.54 a box, ten times the price of ordinary tissue paper.
Addressing concerns of skeptics who may find it unhygenic to wipe their faces with feces, Zhou said that there are many processes in place to ensure the product is ready for consumption. After washing and streaming, the paper will be sterilized in high temperatures.
Panda poo.
Who knew it was so versatile?
Yes, we who live in the country are easily amused.
A few weeks ago as I was doing dishes, I saw one of our neighbor’s goats on the run…. with their daughters hot on it’s heels.
It was a grand chase.
And went on long enough for me to photograph it.
Don’t think goats can run?
Try chasing one.
One daughter managed to steer it closer to the outbuildings…
And viola… the take down.
Country goats.
Because city people don’t know what to do with them…
Dragons on the other hand…
Bwaahaahaa!
It’s been said I buy too much food when I go grocery shopping.
And I agree, that might be true.
So every once in a while I have to purge my kitchen cabinets and pantry of non used and so old they’re rusting slightly out date products.
It really is amazing how much stuff I can stuff in there.
Did I need 13 bags of nuts and dried fruit to add to my salads?
Apparently yes.
Yes, I did.
I also needed 5 bottles of vinegar (which I despise) and numerous Asian condiments that never managed to make it into a stir fry.
All of the above had to be thrown out.
Were they past their prime?
Perhaps a wee bit.
And as much as it killed me, I threw out a chocolate bar.
Because yes, they really can go bad…. even though I didn’t think that was possible.
And speaking of chocolate, did you know there’s now a Game of Thrones Oreo?
Oh, yes…. there is.
And if you like the Game of Thrones intro?
You’re going to love it in Oreos.
Good news?
Our visiting Kestrel is back…
And he brought a friend…
(Apologies for the photo quality, I was at the utter limits of my zoom lens)
They’re such pretty little things, and I enjoyed watching them fly around the yard all morning.
Until I heard a thump…
And looked out the window.
Yeah.
Not for the dove anyway.
Kestrels will be Kestrels.
But it would have been nice if he’d finished his meal and not left me the pieces and parts clean up detail…
As well as a blood stained lawn.
Okay, granted… it could be worse.
But still….
I read an article the other day about the crazy things people find at thrift stores. This was right up my alley as I used to post my wackadoodle discoveries as well.
If you’ve never thrifted?
You’ve never really shopped.
I mean really…. where else can you find these treasures.
Searching for fine literature?
Find it at the Thrift store.
Not being a musher, I was totally unaware sexual preference was even a factor.
Go figure.
When you’re in need of a box of decapitated doll heads?
And let’s be honest…
Who isn’t these days?
They’re at the Thrift store.
When you’re searching for a little extra something to compliment the dogs playing poker velvet wall hanging in your living room?
You’ll find it at the Thrift store.
Shells playing poker are perfect.
Fido’s constant shedding driving you nuts?
Thrift store to the rescue.
Beat grandma to the punch this Christmas and give her the ugly sweater.
Can’t find that just right gift for the dominatrix in your life?
Look no more…. your local thrift store has S&M Teddy.
Her heart will melt, and then she’ll whip heart shaped cuts on your thighs.
It’s a win win.
And speaking of gifts…
Those hard to buy for people?
They’d love a vomit clock from the Thrift store.
Yes, that was the description the person who found it gave in the article.
Vomit clock.
I’m hoping (really, really hoping) that it’s just heavily shellacked pebbles in a putrid pink hue.
But hey, it came from a thrift store….
Anything’s possible.
I often cruise our timeshare site looking for deals. Someplace we’ve never been, some lovely resort where we’d like to stay.
Then the other day I read an article that made me rethink my aversion to Airbnb.
Yes.
We could rent a potato.
No joke.
Apparently this particular spud toured the US for six years on the back of a truck, and no one knew what to do with it afterward.
While my first thought wouldn’t have been, ‘Hey, let’s throw a queen size Serta in there and rent that baby out!’
Clearly I lack vision.
It’s a real hotel room, of sorts.
The potato sleeps two, with one queen bed, and there’s a small bathroom, a kitchenette, a fireplace, and air-conditioning too. With millennial-pink accents and house plants aplenty, it’s as Instagrammable inside as out.
Measuring 28 feet long, 12 feet wide, and 11.5 feet tall, the giant potato was created by the Idaho Potato Commission to promote the noble vegetable.
Granted the landscaping leaves a little to be desired.
And the views?
Well, it is Idaho.
Which is probably why there are no windows.But still.. it’s a giant tater!!
We’ve all dreamed about living inside a potato, with hash browns for cushions, fries as shelves, and a giant bowl of fluffy mash to snuggle into at night.
So if spuds are your one true love, you’re probably going to want to book a night in the Big Idaho Potato Hotel, which has been listed on Airbnb.
And there you have it…
The perfect vacation getaway.
You’re welcome.
And just in case you didn’t think I could tie Game of Thrones into this post?
Never doubt me.
Do you believe in signs?
In prophesies…
In portends?
Because I think I got one the other day.
I was sitting in our living room, innocently reading…
When this appeared on the wall.
Game of Thrones fans are shuddering, but for the rest of you clueless readers?
It’s the Bolton sigil, the flayed man.
Striking fear in the hearts of Thrones viewers until someone asked the question…
Sansa.
That’s who.
But clearly this can’t be a coincidence. What does it mean?
The Boltons are all dead, they’re not flaying anyone. And it’s the final season of GOT, so if I’m meant to flay someone….
I’d better hurry.
There are only 2 episodes left.
And btw, if you think I’m an over the top Throner?
Witness my girlfriend who’s having a watch party every Sunday night. She sets out photos of the characters on her mantle, complete with burning candles.
Every time someone dies? She snuffs them out.
Now that’s dedicated.
River's world..... 