Tag Archives: marketing

Uncategorized

Who? What! Why….?

April 18, 2020 Rivergirl 29 Comments

Who would invent such a thing?

What would make them think this was a good idea?

And why would anyone ever want to buy it?

Wonder what I’m talking about?

It’s this:

Yes.

You read that correctly.

Brewers in Poland have developed a fermented beer made from the vaginal lactic acid of beautiful women.

Doesn’t that sound yummy?

If you want to read more about it….. here.

The entire idea is as ridiculous as it is disgusting, which is why I had to blog about it.

mjmnqstfjmiixk0jy64m

Because if this crap has to rattle around in my brain?

I need to make sure it rattles around in yours as well.

Uncategorized

Things that make me say WTH?

April 16, 2020 Rivergirl 20 Comments

Stupid products….

Keeping the American economy strong for decades.

The Crunch Cup. So you can drink your morning cereal…

Most important meal of the day? Maybe.

But you should know my husband’s cardiologist (the top rated man at the largest and best hospital in our state) said breakfast cereal is a top contributor to obesity and diabetes in this country. He won’t even allow it in his house.

So no cereal sippy cups for us.

Toaster bags.

Now I don’t know about you, but the day I’m too lazy to butter my bread?

I’ll just hang it up for good and take to my bed with a case of Patron.

No, this is not an iPhone ball delivery system for playing catch with Fido.

IMG_2961 (2)

Pooch Selfies.

Kill me now.

Okay…. I can almost see the attraction here.

And while this may look a little odd?

The Guzzle Buddy has my name written all over it.

But this?

This is a bridge too far.

IMG_2963 (2)

No.

Just… no.

I don’t know about you?

But a hydrated ass is the least of my worries right now.

Uncategorized

Because it’s my job.

December 8, 2019 Rivergirl 49 Comments

Bringing weird and not so wonderful products to my reader’s attention.

It’s what I do.

And I know you wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity to have one of these for your very own, so…

maxresdefault

Yes.

It’s a onesie that’s also a seat.

How can you go wrong?

No more standing for endless hours at your kid’s soccer game. No more shuffling on sore feet while waiting on line at the DMV.

There’s a stupid product made just for you.

And a stupid video to accompany it.

Admit it…

You want one.

Uncategorized

Because I’m always looking out for my male friends.

December 1, 2019 Rivergirl 40 Comments

So a certain blogger (who shall remain nameless unless he/she actually wants to take credit for this post) sent me a link to a product that I found the day after Thanksgiving.

Having just enjoyed copious amounts of turkey, I admit it made me think twice about ever eating one again. It seems we never really know what those birds are up to pre gluttonous feast.

Behold The Tryptotrouser Turkey Print Ball Hammock Boxer Briefs:

turkey boxers

Yup.

They exist.

And the product description is totally blog worthy.

Spend more time stuffing your face and less time stuffing your balls this Thanksgiving. Introducing the only ball hammock boxers that can hold just as much weight as your tryptophan-induced insides can fathom. Protect your baby gravy like you protect your prized family seat, with a ball hammock to gently rest your stones and an ultra soft micro model material that will have your girl wanting seconds. And thirds. And probably yams because yams are just so tasty.

“Baby gravy”?

I’ve heard a lot of interesting terms for the male anatomy over the years…. but that’s a new one. (And speaking as someone who loves gravy on her mashed taters? Stop using it…. right freaking now.)

But if you’re thinking yeah, thanks a lot River. Thanksgiving is over and now I’ve missed a perfect opportunity to give a wonderfully thoughtful gift along with the green bean casserole?

Fear not.

This post will pass along further information for what I think is probably the best Christmas stocking stuffer ever.

For your husband, your brother, your uncle, your cousin…. Hell, for every man in your life.

Give them to your mailman and the guy who changes your oil.

You can thank me later.

Snowballs

If you clicked the link, you’ll realize I wasn’t talking about those delightfully revolting pink Hostess treats that look like Tribbles.

It’s another thing entirely.

ac5ea267f4b15d35ce402e36cb269d8f

No, I’m not kidding…

And some of the descriptions are funnier than the product itself.

“Summer is a decidedly, uh, swampy time for many men and the summer of 2019 has been especially hot and humid throughout most of the northern hemisphere. Dress loose and in light fabrics all you want, eventually the heat hits you in the crotch.

It’s a uniquely male problem and one underwear company has the solution to that and more. Snowballs basically wants to ice your ‘nads back into the comfort—and fertility—zone.

Being able to walk around with your ‘nads air-conditioned without risking indecent exposure is pretty appealing. And Snowballs claims their product can do more than just frost the funk away from your nether regions.”

Swampy?

Yeah, no one wants that.

There.

Now don’t you feel better knowing these exist?

Just remember…

You saw it here first.

Uncategorized

Do you Duluth?

October 18, 2019 Rivergirl 32 Comments

For those not familiar with Duluth Trading Post…. it’s a clothing store with rather humorous commercials.

I say rather, because men usually get a bigger kick out of them than women.

Seeing that the subject matter is somewhat….. gender exclusive.

I’ve never had reason or opportunity to shop at Duluth, but recently a store opened in South Portland and my girlfriend wanted to go see what all the fuss was about.

Aside from some overpriced ( $38 for a plain t shirt? I think not ) and under-styled clothes?

There were these:

An entire section of stupid products.

With a decided bent toward what you do in the bathroom.

Color me unimpressed.

Although I did chortle at these…

Because they reminded me of that horrible gynecologist I had who always asked me how things were “down there”.

Thankfully she lost her license to practice.

But who knows?

She might work for Duluth now….

Uncategorized

Do you need one of these?

October 16, 2019 Rivergirl 50 Comments

Stupid products. They’re everywhere…

Even here.

I heard you. You think gas filters aren’t stupid?

Well, this one is for your butt.

The bad part of a fart?

Pray tell, what exactly is the good part…

For those of you who were looking for the perfect stocking stuffer for Xmas this year?

Next… no tie shoelaces.

Because yes, apparently we really are that lazy.

On first glance this looked promising….

Until I remembered the best thing about making S’mores on a campfire is that you don’t have to clean up anything.

Can you imagine the mess that contraption would make in your oven? Melted chocolate and gooey marshmallow crystallizing and baking onto the racks?

Finally, I admit this last stupid product has infinite potential.

Now call me crazy, but a gentle reminder to change the toilet paper is not the first thing that came to mind when I thought of recording a message.

No…

I want more bang for my buck and was thinking more along the lines of the Tidy Bowl Man yelling “Incoming!”….. or an upper class British accent begging you not to make a second trip to the buffet at Taco Loco.

As I said, infinite possibilities.

Uncategorized

Because sometimes all you can do is ask why…..

October 8, 2019 Rivergirl 43 Comments

I stumbled across something the other day and I’m afraid I have to share.

Who knows, some of you may thank me.

Farts Direct

Yes.

There is a website where you can actually order a fart.

In a jar.

And while I fully support small businesses and entrepreneurs, I have to wonder….why?

Why do we need a variety of jarred farts?

farts

It’s not the first thing I think of when I ask myself, “What do I get the man who has everything?” …. but maybe someone does.

You have to admit the ad campaign is catchy.

“Make a start and choose your fart.”

farts 2

Who knows?

Maybe it’s the gift your significant other has always wanted…. but was afraid to ask for.

And if that’s the case?

Christmas shopping just got a little easier this year.

o1hqNV3PZvoz4TAHU$-C11faB6sm8wuO1g60grYFdCEc=you-re-welcome-doctor-who-end

Remember…

You saw it here first.

Uncategorized

Just in time for Halloween.

August 25, 2019 Rivergirl 35 Comments

I like candy.

candy

You probably like candy.

I imagine everyone likes some kind of candy….

I dare you to like this candy.

IMG_E5601

Yes….. Zombie Skittles are coming to a store near you.

IMG_E5600

Hidden rotten flavored pieces?

IMG_E5602

So let me get this straight…. I chew all the normal fruity flavors with stupid new names and then bam!

I swallow one that tastes like a zombie….

What the hell does a zombie taste like?

IMG_E5604

Okay, thanks.

That certainly clears it up.

Uncategorized

Really?

August 1, 2019 Rivergirl 31 Comments

Have you ever been out shopping and stumble on a product that makes you go….

I did that the other day when I turned the corner and saw this:

Catchy name.

And I admit… it made me look.

Then?

It made me sorry I looked.

IMG_E5169

Really?

Let’s break this down.

#1. King of the Throne? Please.

This is the only king who will ever be on our throne.

throne

#2. Tear, unfold and wipe, DUDE.

There are only two people who can get away with saying those words.

#3. *ALSO SWEET FOR FACE, HANDS, PITS & DUDE REGIONS

Dude regions? I don’t want to explore that statement further.

Truly.

I don’t….

#4. Ingredients include flower extract and citric acid.

Considering the purpose of the product… and the location of it’s use? I’m hoping there’s more of the flower and less of the acid.

Uncategorized

Anyone want a cuppa?

May 15, 2019 Rivergirl 22 Comments

I read an article the other day about one of the world’s most expensive teas.

Yes, tea.

Those lovely little leaves you drop into hot water and steep.

having-tea_o_1112071

Pure ambrosia….

As long as it’s not the dishwater my MIL used to drink.

tea

If you’re drinking tea? For God’s sake, drink tea.

I love tea, and am always intrigued to try a new one.

Except the one I read about the other day. It was called PET, short for Panda Ecological Tea. This particular tea sells for $200 a cup….. and if that’s not enough to frighten you away, the fact that’s it’s grown in China and is fertilized entirely with panda poo should be.

Apparently pandas poo 40 – 50 times a day, so I’m guessing supply isn’t an issue.

6e169eab1388f428f6e612cfc8847013dd493ca36b707ad487ac1fc48fa8a615

Questionable?

Probably.

Although you can’t fault the marketing campaign….

panda-poop-tea

It’s simply delightful.

And while I was researching this topic?

prepare-yourself-poop-is-coming

I stumbled across another panda poo product…

gettyimages-895782808

A new type of luxury facial tissue made with recycled Panda feces is set to be launched in China.

The bizarre product, called “Panda poo,” will retail at for $6.54 a box, ten times the price of ordinary tissue paper.

Addressing concerns of skeptics who may find it unhygenic to wipe their faces with feces, Zhou said that there are many processes in place to ensure the product is ready for consumption. After washing and streaming, the paper will be sterilized in high temperatures.

Panda poo.

Who knew it was so versatile?