.
I mean, really. Who wouldn’t?
.
.
A wiener beverage is a beautiful thing.
.
.
Who knew pricks were so helpful?
.
.
I’ve been seeing a lot of the next type of item recently.
.
.
If someone could explain the current fascination with unicorn bodily functions to me, that would be swell.
.
.
Mixed tapes?
Someone needs to set Marty McFly’s dial to the 21rst Century.
.
.
First it was cat butts, now Corgi.
.
.
The world really has gone mad.
.
.
My only question is why anyone makes these things in the first place.
.
.
I prefer my clams in chowder with heavy cream thank you very much.
.
.
Oh, hell no. I can only drink if the BeeGees are playing?
Trust me, if the BeeGees are playing…. I’ll need more not less.
.
.
I’m sorry, but they don’t. Less really is more.
.
.
While this is rather cute? It’s also a great way to take out an eye. Weaponized mallows are over the top, even for me.
.
.
.
.
No. Aside from the fact the packaging seems to be marketed for 6 year old girls…
I refuse to wear a perfume named Juicy Bunny on sheer principle.
.
.
While I’m all for pampering and spoiling our pets..
.
.
No.
.
.
Just, no.
.
.
Bowzer’s manicure should not look better than mine… and look, even the dog hates it.
.
.
.
I want to know who looked at their cat’s ass one afternoon and thought, ” Hey, that will make a great coloring book”.
.
.
Mr. Whiskers is not amused.
And lastly, proof positive more isn’t always good… it’s just more.
.
.
Hell, I think I’m slipping into diabetic coma just looking at that.
.
.
For blog fodder research purposes if nothing else.
.
.
I’m guessing they meant to say bad mood, but either way …. a screaming goat seems like the perfect companion to ride out the rest of this abominable year.
.
.
A book of delightful goat facts? Perfect.
.
.
Screaming goat placement is everything.
And hey, when you already have a flying poop drone…. a screaming goat doesn’t even raise eyebrows.
.
.
The other product I might have to buy?
.
.
A carbonated bubbling face mask?
.
.
Show of hands…. how many people want to see that selfie?
.
.
It never fails to amaze me how many ridiculous products I can find in the grocery store.
.
.
Multi colored popcorn farts? No thank you. Wait… they’re covered in white chocolate?
On second thought. How bad can a rainbow unicorn toot be?
.
.
This abominable bag of quinoa was on the check out aisle with all the other reasonable unhealthy snacks. Don’t they know how good that radioactive orange Cheetoh dust is? Geesh, no one in their right mind craves quinoa.
.
.
Tolerant organic. What exactly does that mean? Is that little fellow going to bludgeon me with his noodle if I don’t compliment his Birkenstocks?
.
.
I’m sorry, but when I walk down the baking aisle… filled with cakes and brownies and numerous other drool worthy desserts? Protein balls are not high on my list.
.
.
Finally, I need two things explained.
1. What happened to the separation of church and grocery store?
And
2. If you’re going to quote scripture about baking bread, don’t use it to sell a box of cereal. That’s just false advertising.
.
.
.
Like the one I saw for this questionable product.
.
.
Have you noticed this trend… spraying before you go? It seems like Poo- Pourri type products are everywhere these days. But the following review went above and beyond.
.
.
A cold, damp night… spicy chili and Westworld. You have to love a reviewer who sets the mood.
.
.
Montezuma’s Revenge Meter? Nice.
Crab walking visual? Helpful.
Chili and eggs plotting a colon coup?
The plot thickens… so to speak.
.
.
And just like that, the old tag line has now taken on a completely different meaning.
.
.
Uh oh.
.
.
Does anyone really need a shower curtain of mushroom derrières?
.
.
No. But you have to admit it does provide a striking visual.
.
.
I know we’ve all gotten lazy, and gardening inside is bad enough… but now there’s an app that allows you to sit on your couch and grow tomatoes with your phone?
Just because we can, doesn’t mean we should.
.
.
I laughed at this one, but when the winter Covid surge rolls around and all the grocery stores are out of TP again?
It might be a suitable alternative.
.
.
Okay, that one I might have to buy.
.
.
This first one is sure to be a favorite on Valentines Day.
.
.
Because nothing says I love you like petrified beef.
.
.
Good God, do these things still even exist?
Please, for the love of all that’s holy… no.
.
.
For when you really want to throw down like Hamlet.
.
.
This.
This is really what’s wrong with America. We’re too damn lazy to sit up.
.
.
Pfft. I call foul.
Everyone knows Alfred Von Wigglebottom wouldn’t be caught dead on anything less than Danish Modern.
.
.
But I know you do.
.
.
Admit it, we’ve all wanted to feel a little warmer and cheesier this year.
.
.
This gives a whole new meaning to the word shortcake.
.
.
Skin as soft and supple as a nice juicy brain? What woman doesn’t dream of that!
.
.
I have to admit this one might have validity. We live next to a horse farm and see our fair share of flies. A real life arcade game with salt bullets… hmm.
.
.
.
I do. Even though I’m sure you’d rather I didn’t.
.
.
Yes, this exists. Though I think they’re wrong about the Olympic event.
And if you’re thinking…. that’s great River, but I don’t really care for cereal?
I’ve got your back.
.
.
Pooping Champion Gummies.
.
.
And tea.
You’re welcome.
But if that’s not enough to get you excited about this oh so helpful product? Visit their website and check out the fabulous club you can join.
.
.
Now tell me you don’t want to be a card carrying member of that!
.
River's world..... 