Tag Archives: humor

Slow and steady wins the race.

 

But it doesn’t get your deck railing project finished any sooner.

We were back at it and it was still hot.

 

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Unfortunately the heat wave coincided with an extended dry spell and our lawn was starting to crunch.

 

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But old railings were torn down.

 

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And rusty nails exposed.

 

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I stained the new wood we had to waste almost 2 hours going to get that morning because someone… I won’t mention who… cut the other pieces incorrectly.

 

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And then that someone  (oops, my bad)  discovered a sander in the barn and wanted to play.

 

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He was fine on the flat surfaces, but scared me to death when he started trying to sand in between. That thing would hit a beam, jump out of his hand and spin wildly across the deck. It happened a dozen times but I could never quite catch it on film.

 

 

In between his legs.

Close to the power cord.

I knew something was gonna give, and it did.

 

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That thing jumped up and sliced his jeans right open. Thankfully he wasn’t hurt, but at that point I said no more sanding!

 

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Which he completely ignored and kept sanding.

 

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After sanding, and almost slicing his leg off?

He hammered nails.

 

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And swept the same portion of deck I had just swept.

Apparently I didn’t do it right.

We did manage to get a few pieces of wood installed before dinner.

With some gentle persuasion.

 

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So this was basically it.

 

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For a whole days work.

Good thing no one is paying us by the hour……

 

 

 

 

Baby squirrel resurgence.

 

They’re baaaaaaack.

Well, at least the babies are.

 

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And they’re making themselves right at home on the deck.

 

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A little too much at home for my liking.

 

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Because they’re trying to get back into the hole they all came tumbling out of last month.

 

 

Cute? Yes.

Respectful house guests? No.

 

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And then the other day, a friend helped me out.

 

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No, it’s not the same picture.

Look in the lower right hand corner….

 

 

Baby woodchuck is finally earning his keep.

Well done sir.

Carry on.

 

 

Because I have too much time on my hands this afternoon.

 

If you have predictive text on your cell phone, grab it and let’s play.

Remember The Princess Bride movie?

No, I don’t either. But apparently there’s a quotable line from the film that goes like this….

 

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So a Facebook friend of mine tagged me to play the 2020 version.

Start texting My name is…..

You killed my….

Prepare to….

And let predictive text do the rest.

 

My results:

My name is not the big barn.  ( seriously, that’s what I got! )

You killed my husband and he didn’t even know.  ( it’s true he’s not very observant, but still. )

Prepare to be a little more than the kale.  ( I seriously hope I’m a lot more than that foul weed. )

Not kidding, that’s what it said.

 

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Apparently my iPhone is freakishly tuned in to my life.

Which if I stopped laughing, might make me a little worried.

 

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Pandemic humor.

 

Because if I don’t laugh I might have to hurt someone.

 

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Add a margarita and it sounds like a plan.

 

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Because if you won’t wear a mask, why should I wear pants?

And after almost 4 months of doing nothing?

Trust me… you want me to wear pants.

 

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Ah, Spam. The miracle meat no one wants to eat.

Wait a minute….. do you think they could behind this whole thing?

The virus is a hoax engineered to make people eat 83 year old canned ham!

Or maybe….

 

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It’s a canine revenge plot.

Either way, we’re stuck with it…

And it’s nice to see Maine stores still have a sense of humor.

 

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They’re just screwing with me now.

 

The woodchucks.

 

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Adorable, but hungry.

And there’s no rhyme or reason to what they’ll eat.

This echinacea?

 

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Stripped to a stalk the same day I planted it.

They devoured it before I could even get a picture, and if you know me? You know that’s fast.

 

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This candy cane Dianthus? Nope. They left it alone.

The exact same plant on the other side of the garden bed?

 

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A mere shadow of itself.

WTF?

So when it came time to replant the bed I had removed the woodchuck chewed mallow from, I went to the experts and got a list.

 

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A list of woodchuck proof flowers they were guaranteed not to eat.

Blanket flower? Check!

 

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Planted two, they haven’t touched them.

 

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(Please note dianthus is on the list and we all know how that turned out.)

Foxglove? Check!

 

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They literally took one bite and ran.

Good thing since it’s the source of  digitalis.

 

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Last on the list? Yarrow.

If you’ve ever had deer nibble your gardens to a nub, you know they hate yarrow.

Every critter hates yarrow…. so I planted yarrow.

 

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So…..

Yeah.

 

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The little buggers are screwing with me.

There’s no other explanation.

 

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And look at that belly…

They’re getting fat doing it!

 

 

Because some things are strange enough for a second look.

 

This popped up in my Facebook memories today and since I wasn’t blogging here 5 years ago?

I have to share.

 

 

As seen in Goodwill, a rubber chicken.

 

 

It was a dog toy, but a more wrong rubber chicken you’re not apt to find.

I suppose you could say they were singing…. but I’m afraid my mind went elsewhere.

And for a further chuckle?

Read the detailed description that came with them.

I dare you not to laugh.

“This rubber chicken is not any ordinary chicken, when you squeeze him he makes a loud screaming sound, it can help you relaxing your pressure and bringing you good mood. This squeaky rubber chicken will make a comical addition to your dog’s toy chest! Screaming sound when you squeeze it “Squeeze me when you are happy. I will make you and your friend laugh” “Squeeze me when you are not happy. I will help you relax” “My shrilling scream will let you have unexpected fun and entertainment, relax and release stress.” Once you have this funny scream chicken you can lose your press and became more smooth.”

 

So go on….. squeeze your chicken.

Hear him scream.

 

Day 4… deck project.

 

Four days in and we were finally ready to start adding the balustrades.

 

 

This involved a large amount of math, which as we have previously discussed… is not our strong suit.

 

 

Measuring was required. So much measuring. The fractions, the division…

Oh! The horror.

I carefully calculated the spacing of 8 rails for each section. I checked and rechecked to make sure it was accurate.

 

 

Which meant 7 of them fit perfectly.

Am I good or what?

 

 

Okay, so there were seven instead of 8.

 

 

It still looked good and things were flowing smoothly.

 

 

Until the screw heads starting popping off.

 

 

Once they were in the railing.

Which made me cringe…. and the husband grab his all purpose fix it tool.

 

 

Have hammer, will travel.

Thankfully no harm was done and we finished 3 out of the 4 sections before calling it a day.

 

 

One more section here..

 

 

Then we’ll move on to the other side.

Hopefully the heat wave will be over by then.

Hot flashing menopausal Maine women with broken toes do not fare well in temperatures over 90.

 

Enough with the substitutes.

 

In the last three months I’ve seen pasta fly off the grocery store shelves.

Pandemic shopping fever has wiped them clean at times and all that was left were substitutes.

Kale linguini?

Not if my life depended on it.

Squash angel hair?

Thank you, no.

So imagine my horror when I saw this in the refrigerated section this morning.

 

 

Tofu fettuccine and spaghetti.

What fresh Hell is this!

I picked up a package and it felt like slimy rubber…. which is probably what it tastes like it as well.