Tag Archives: products

Because some things are best left unexplored.

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Facebook ads. They’re never ending and annoying and I pay them very little mind.

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Yes, I like Hint water… but don’t need to see daily videos.

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And yes, those are some sweet shades I could easily see myself rocking next summer, but they don’t need to join the other 15 pairs I never wear in my junk drawer.

While I realize these ads are targeted to me specifically based on algorithms of my search history, every once in a while they surprise me.

As this one did the other day:

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Not being in possession of a pair, I assure you I have never actively searched for ball wash.

Trust me on this.

Of course since it popped up, I had to click. For research/ blog fodder purposes only you understand.

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Don’t be whack, GIVE A SACK.

There’s an ad slogan designed to burrow deep into your frontal cortex.

And while I admit I chortled over this, I’m not chortling now. Because you know what happens when you click on a Facebook ball wash product ad?

This:

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And this:

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I am now being inundated with less than helpful product placement.

Man meat.

What have I done!

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Cosmo-what?

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#2 in the series of ‘I’m definitely not young and single anymore’. Otherwise known as Cosmopolitan magazine highlights.

Or lowlights, you decide.

Gentlemen?

You’ve been warned.

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First up, a strawberry vagina.

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Magical?

Yeah, I must be doing something wrong. And because there are probably other women like me?

Products.

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Am I surprised they are named Honey Pot and Fur?

At this point, I am not.

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This explains a lot about the current generation. I enjoyed moving out of my parents house, but maybe that was just me.

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What brownie abomination is this?

No. Just…. no.

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Wow. And I thought breaking up via text was bad….

Finally there was this:

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Strategically placed mirror aside…. FaceTiming your gynecologist? I’m beginning to relish the fact I’m not in my twenties anymore.

P.S. … don’t be surprised when that cat starts having nightmares.

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Beauty products I probably need, but won’t buy.

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This first one makes me laugh because I’ve been saying it for years.

Don’t waste your money on expensive wrinkle creams ladies… just get some spackle and a putty knife to fill in those cracks.

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See?

Same idea… different packaging.

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Bad pun aside, if I want to slather egg white on my face? I’ll wait until it’s time to bake blueberry coffee cake again.

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No plastic egg required.

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This has always baffled me.

It’s ACID…. and peels off a layer of your skin to boost that brightness. Vegan?

Well no shit.

How many cows do you know who are filled with acid?

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Silicone mask brush?

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Looks like another putty knife to me.

Finally, there’s lip lifter.

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Lip lifter.

For Christ’s sake. I have boob lifting bras and butt lifting panties …. now you want me to lift my lips?

I give up.

Gravity, do what you will. As long as I can still lift the martini glass?

I’m good.

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Must have products I must not have.

 

Here’s another selection of must have products… this time with a twist.

These are all things guaranteed to reduce your stress level.

 

 

 

 

Sorry, but having a nail polish cocktail ring is only going to increase my stress.

The first time my nose itches? That Moonlight Madness Maroon will be Jackson Pollock-ing the living room wall.

 

 

 

Really?

I’ve got news for you, if I’m going to recline in a hammock it better be large enough for my whole body….. and a pitcher of margaritas.

 

 

I don’t know about you, but if I’m stressed?

The last thing I’m worrying about is mopping up that martini I spilled on the floor.

 

 

 

Yeah.

Because a disembodied hand is soooo relaxing.

Products that make my eyes roll.

 

Maybe it’s just me, but when I see a list of “must have” products?

It’s a guarantee I mustn’t.

 

 

Do I need a magnetized bin to save my lint?

I most decidedly do not.

Does anyone?

With my luck I’d save lint and the red squirrels would steal it and start nest building again.

 

 

So basically this is a tarp with a square frame and handles. It costs $30 and you still have to pay someone to haul it away. Makes me glad I live in the country where we can just load up our truck and drive to the dump.

 

 

Is this a joke?

No one wants to time warp back to 80’s hair.

 

77a9295d8428af3bc4a3eef8f1f71c06

 

Ack!

 

 

 

Eco friendly bamboo? Fine.

 

But charcoal bristles treated with carbon?

 

968fec466b9f440387d2d4ddf5d4e97e

 

This is not a look I care to embrace.

And finally….

 

 

Sorry, but I’m thinking my inner mermaid is better left unrevealed.

Odd products.

 

Because sometimes you have to look twice.

 

 

To me, this looks like strips of wet, tie dyed paper and as such… not the least bit appetizing.

 

 

Oh, it’s a healthy vegetable?

Well that explains it.

I’ll try it as soon as I finish my pile of kale.

 

 

Hundreds of customers are rarely wrong, but while I like a good massage as much as the next girl?

I’m not using something that looks like my great grandfather’s ballsack.

Just…. no.

This last product isn’t necessarily odd, but it did make me wonder.

 

 

Have I been using nail polish made from rendered beef fat all these years?

 

Curly haired girls rejoice!

 

I’ve always had naturally curly hair. And while that didn’t allow me to blend in during the long straight 70’s, I came into my own during the bigger the better 80’s.

 

 

Women still pay large amounts of money for perms, but fresh from the shower and allowed to air dry?

My hair looks like this –

 

 

I normally embrace my curl… except on damp days when I tend to look like this:

 

 

But there are times when I’d like a change. A slightly more controlled look.

Before I found the wonder product I’m about to share with you …. with no remuneration from the company though damn it, they should… this meant schlepping to a hair salon and paying someone to spend an hour pulling and tugging my locks into submission with a hot blow dryer and a medieval torture device large round brush.

But now?

Now that I’ve found this miracle wand?

 

 

It’s smooth sailing when ever I want.

 

 

In no time flat my hair is …

 

 

Flat!

 

 

And now that you’ve seen more pictures of the back of my head than you ever thought possible?

 

 

Go get yourself one of these.

It’s quick, it’s easy… and if you can twirl spaghetti?

You can have straight… or in my case straighter… hair than you ever dreamed of at home.

I beg to differ Oprah.

 

Flipping through O magazine the other day  (I get it free, don’t judge)  I realized Oprah and I disagree about a few things.

Most importantly, her list of must have items.

She might find these necessary and affordable, but I don’t.

 

 

Seriously? Bragging about your house manager Eddie and his cocktail mixing prowess is bad form. Especially when we peons are occasionally forced to drink cocktails from can.

Let’s forget the revolting sounding ‘flavor capsule’….  why in the world would I pay $350 to have a machine mix my drink.

My local pub’s bartender does a fine job and he never expects that big a tip.

 

 

$70 for a bottle.

To put alcohol and fruit in.

Call me classy, but a mason jar works just as well for a lot less.

 

 

Good grief.

$195 so my selfies can be better lighted?

I’m 55 and menopausal. No one wants to see that any more clearly than they already have.

Oprah redeemed herself slightly with this last pick.

It’s been a while since I shopped at Talbots, but I could probably rock a pair of these.

 

 

Cheers!

Products worth a second look.

 

 

 

Does anyone need a banana phone?

No.

But buy one and save a gorilla just the same.

 

 

 

A must for Star Wars fanatics.

Yes James,  I’m talking to you.

 

 

 

Cake.

On a stick.

Need I say more?

 

 

I’m not sure my bar game could possibly be more up, but bottles of gin are definitely my favorite DIY.

 

 

While I take umbrage at the horrible people designation (I’ve always thought of myself as just slightly awful) this is one seriously  bawdy, provocative, risqué  fun party game.

Does it surprise you to know I have all 6 expansion packs?

 

 

It shouldn’t.

So if you like  raunchy, crude, earthy  blue humor?

Give it a try.

Stupid products.

 

They’re everywhere.

 

 

 

Call me crazy, but I doubt this chicka is beating the men off with a stick.

 

Do I need to feel like Judy Jetson when I dispose of that slightly blue, mold covered cucumber that got pushed to the back of the crisper drawer?

No.

I do not.

 

 

Again with the space age crap. If I don’t know what year it is when I wake up?

I need to stop drinking, not buy a new clock.

 

 

Oh, yeah. These are sexy.

Perhaps she can double date with that hot Trekkie at the top.

 

 

Zero gravity?

I’m pretty sure if I ever find myself there, writing a grocery list or a thank you note won’t be my top priority.

 

 

And while I don’t need a dehydration light to flash in my water bottle…. this product might have adult beverage applications.

“Drink! You’re starting to sober up!”

Okay.

I’d buy that.