Because I saw this in the store a while back….
And have to admit it was a little frightening.
For anyone interested in a life threatening coffee experience, you can find it here.
Their advertising tag line is “It will wake the dead”…. so please be careful who you give it to.
The world has enough overly caffeinated zombies as is.
For the next few afternoons I’m going to be my usual helpful self and give you something to do while you’re quarantining yourself at home like a good viral citizen.
Lately the net has been filled with clever and creative ways to occupy your time…. but I’m going to share one from the Getty Museum that really made me smile.
Since visits to their museum have been cancelled for the near future, they challenged their members to re-create their favorite works of art.
Here are some of my favorites:
The original…
The re-creation….
Kudos to this couple.
I don’t know what the hell he put on his head, but damn.
It works.
The original…
The re-creation….
I’m not sure Dali would approve, but I’ll give them an A for effort.
And finally, here’s one that’s better seen by side.
Brilliant, I tell you!
Simply brilliant.
I forgot I still had some of these crazy foreign words in my files.
So keep reading… they might come in handy some day.
Zhaghzhagh (Persian)
The chattering of teeth from the cold or from rage.
I don’t have much of a temper, but the next time this happens…..
At least I’ll know what to call it.
Cavoli Riscaldati (Italian)
The result of attempting to revive an unworkable relationship. Translates to “reheated cabbage.”
Oh, those Italians.
Ever the romantics….
Kaelling (Danish)
You know that woman who stands on her doorstep (or in line at the supermarket, or at the park, or in a restaurant) cursing at her children? The Danes know her, too.
I think we all know that woman.
Bakku-shan (Japanese)
Japanese slang term which describes the experience of seeing a woman who appears pretty from behind but not from the front.
Because sometimes, you just can’t tell.
I bet we all remember this last one from Laverne and Shirley…. but I never new what it meant until now.
Schlemiel and schlimazel (Yiddish)
Someone prone to bad luck. Yiddish distinguishes between the schlemiel and schlimazel, whose fates would probably be grouped under those of the klutz in other languages. The schlemiel is the traditional maladroit, who spills his coffee; the schlimazel is the one on whom it’s spilled.
And why does the bastard want all our money?
Ain’t that the truth.
But I’ve just finished doing our taxes…. and now I’m brain dead.
Yes, I always wait until the last minute. Why not? We haven’t gotten a refund since Christ was a Corporal so our returns don’t get mailed until April 14th.
You heard me, mailed. As in snail….with a stamp and everything.
Remember those?
Haven’t you heard the Post Office is dying?
I mail all my bills.
I mail back every postage paid envelope that comes my way… empty.
I even *gasp* mail actual birthday cards.
Technology is great, don’t get me wrong. But there’s nothing less personal than a 2 second birthday text.
No one needs that.
So be thoughtful, take the extra time to write your best wishes….. and help save the post office you know you’re going to miss when it’s gone.
(Please try to refrain from telling me where to go, although I know it’s tempting.)
Fair enough.
But since we’ve previously established my fondness for rocks…. it shouldn’t come as any surprise that I had a sudden itch to visit Spain when I saw this:
A town that’s literally built into a rock?
Oh, yes….
Hell yes!
I’m in.
Singular?
How about fan-fucking-tastic!
Check it…
These people love rocks more than I do!
Is this wonderfully bizarre… or what?
I totally want to go.
Free air conditioning!
Sign me up.
I ventured out of my lock down burrow yesterday and went grocery shopping for the first time in 21 days. It was quite a learning experience.
I learned Wal Mart has a bizarrely convoluted maze of barricades at the entrance so you can’t use the same door as those who are exiting. They have staff wiping down carts, cashiers wiping down check out lanes and six foot distancing markers on the floors. The one thing they didn’t have?
A single employee wearing a mask. To which I say…. WTH?
At my second stop, a grocery chain called Shaws…. I learned there are 2 staff members with clickers and clipboards counting customers at the entrance so no more than 75 people can be in the store at the same time. They have arrows for one way aisles, distancing markers at the checkout and a ban on bringing reusable bags from home. The one thing they didn’t have?
A single employee wearing a mask. To which I say…. WTF?
I got hollered at for putting my groceries on the check out conveyor belt too soon, by a cashier who wouldn’t wear a mask. Smarten up people! Half measures are no measures. We need to get on top of this thing…. my local pub misses me!
Other things I learned?
I don’t look good in a mask.
And there’s still no toilet paper.
Anywhere.
There was plenty of deodorant, but no toothpaste…. because apparently clean minty breath is more important than body odor during pandemics.
You want flour?
Sorry, no can do.
Oh, there are full shelves here and there.
But they’re filled with such things as Tumeric pasta and….
Yeah.
There was no shortage of those.
This item was fully stocked as well.
Clearly I’m not the only one who hates cilantro.
I also learned you can’t wear reading glasses while sporting an N95 mask. Nope. If you do…. those little suckers will fog up like the back of your teenage boyfriend’s Chevy van on prom night.
I came home with something I didn’t want or need simply because I couldn’t read the damn thing.
Yay me.
I also learned that if you’re menopausal and prone to hot flashes? You’re not going to enjoy going out in public for the foreseeable future.
The mask I wore is great, it filters out all the harmful particles… but breathing through it? Not so great.
I overheated to a temperature approaching the surface of the sun within 5 minutes…. then turned a bright feverish red and had to finish shopping quickly before I melted into a puddle in the dairy section.
Think I’m kidding?
Nope.
Not kidding.
I’m not sick, just splotchy. Honest!
I went out to lunch in South Portland a month or so ago and drove by this:
Yes.
You read that correctly.
There’s a place where you can be socially active by throwing an axe.
Though I’m guessing not at each other…. because that would dramatically cut down on the social part.
Think I’m kidding?
There’s even a league.
Which leads me to wonder if there’s another league for suburban axe throwing.
If so, I know a few soccer moms who would excel.
Also unbeknownst to me, there are a slew of videos that can teach you the finer points of the sport.
So if you’re looking for a new hobby?
Remember…. you saw it here first.
Tiptoeing around the house quietly while the husband is teleworking is not my forte, so I tried to find something sedentary and silent to do as not to disturb his process.
Yesterday this involved scrolling through a news feed on my phone.
Sick to death (no pun intended!) of the current global health crisis, I found myself reading an article called “Jason Bateman deserves to be taken seriously.”
Yes.
This is how far I’ve fallen.
And because I realize there might be a few other desperate house bound tiptoers out there?
Feel free to melt your brain as well.
So if someone could tell me what this is?
That would be great.
Because I was out shopping with a girlfriend a month ago and found something on the ladies clearance rack I can’t explain.
Let’s ignore the fact it’s butt ugly.
And there’s a random patch of black lace on a sweatshirt.
Let’s also ignore the clashing colors of the plastic gewgaws on the breast.
What. The. Utter. F*ck?
Is there a group of low limbed mutant women roaming my state?
Or maybe they have 4 arms….. and can’t decide if they want to go sleeveless.
Either way, I can’t begin to fathom how anyone else would be able to wear this monstrosity.
This short and completely ridiculous post is for James , a new blog friend who recently had a birthday and didn’t receive that one special gift he’d been hoping for.
So because his clueless family let him down?
Happy Birthday James.
The gift you never knew you wanted.
Enjoy.
River's world..... 