I think we’ve established I won’t eat it.
I’m not eating the kale chips.
I’m not drinking the kale smoothies….
Hell no.
But this?
This is a bridge too far.
Now you want me to wash my hair with it?
Vegan?
Damn…. and here I was looking forward to lathering up with a nice chunk of fat back.
Nope.
This is a kale free household and it’s going to stay that way!
Clearly, everything.
As evidenced by this product a FB friend bought for her family.
Well, you have to admit…. it’s catchy.
And I suppose techies will enjoy having a set of controls to play with while on the throne.
But what tickled me the most (while performing the due diligence blog research my readers have come to expect but neither care about nor want) was the ad campaign.
Save money on toilet paper!
Very timely.
Have you ever seen something for sale and thought, WTH?
I do this quite often and feel it’s my duty to share.
The first strange item is called Q-flex.
And while I agree no one wants knots in their back, you have to admit this just looks…. wrong.
It seems to be 1/3 shepherd’s staff, 1/3 haying scythe, and 1/3 hook from your great grandfather’s old vaudeville act. Anyway you look at?
Wrong.
Next up? A tongue cleaner.
Holy crap! If your is turning brown and you can scrape that much disgusting residue from it’s surface?
Bad breath might not be the only malady you’re suffering.
A posture remedy is next in line.
Admit it, posture realignment wasn’t the first thing you thought of when you saw this was it?
So wrong.
This next item simply boggles my mind.
The magic of a corner piece? What kind of freak would buy this!
Everyone knows all the fudgy goodness is found in the middle.
Epically wrong.
And finally, there’s a product that you’ve no doubt seen before.
This requires no explanation, and while I can’t personally attest to its wrongness…. I did find one of it’s reviews more than a little amusing.
Clearly this poor fellow had an issue.
Because when Taco Bell doesn’t end in the appropriate volcanic eruption? You know you need help.
Have Squatty, Will Travel.
Go west young man, and poop in peace.
Unless it’s in a rent by the hour hot sheet motel? I don’t think anyone needs their bed to vibrate.
Just…. no.
If I’m not willing to eat kale? ( and I think we’ve established I’d rather have my toenails ripped off by a hungry wombat ) I doubt I’ll be spreading it on my face any time soon.
Well this is ridiculous.
Leftover chocolate. What’s that?
Proof positive there are a limitless number of kitchen gadgets waiting to collect dust in your cabinet.
Move over avocado hugger and ice cream ball. Spaetzle maker is in da house.
I have no idea if this works or not, but may I just say?
Eww.
When I first saw this I thought… nope, I’ll pass on the motivational self help crap.
Until I realized it could be filled with G&T’s or margaritas.
1:00pm took on a whole new meaning then.
You never know what the grocery store will be out of these days.
I haven’t seen flour for weeks, unless it’s made from something ghastly. At this point, dehydrated tofu/arugula flour wouldn’t surprise me.
Along with the lack of everyday items comes the strange substitutions.
Some, I can live with.
Peach and almond dish soap? Sure.
Legume pastas? Not so much.
Colorful? Yes.
Tasty? I doubt it.
Yes, these horrors are still on the shelf.
Though that shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone.
I couldn’t find my regular orange juice last trip and had to home with this.
And all I can say is the fruit might have ripened on the tree…. but the flavor leeched out on the way to the bottle. A less fruity fruit juice you’re not apt to find.
Then there was this, that the husband simply had to buy when the peanut butter shelf was empty.
Roasted watermelon seed butter.
WTF?
” ‘In with the new’ kinda day” ?
This abomination looks like beige spackling paste and smells half as appetizing. Needless to say the other half had one sandwich and called it good.
Did I mention it was $17 a jar?
A new scent of soap made its way to the shelves and being a mango lover, I had high hopes.
Sadly there was a lot more butter than mango in this product and unless you have a sudden urge to smell like a hot bucket of movie theater popcorn? I’d steer clear.
And finally, there were Pete and Gerry’s eggs.
What happened to Ben….
Good God, is my Cherry Garcia in peril?
Gerry… go back to Ben.
Substitutions are not always acceptable.
Have you heard of Goop?
Until recently the only one I knew about was this:
And honestly?
I wish to Hell it had stayed that way.
But no… a friend of mine had to start waxing poetic about the company Gwyneth Paltrow started. Not caring much about self help websites or Gwyneth Paltrow, I was politely zoning out…. until she mentioned something she thought I just had to buy.
Yes.
It’s for real. Though why in the world she thought I needed one I have no clue.
If can someone tell me why geranium, bergamot, cedar and rose smell like a vagina…. I’ll be forever in your debt.
And if that wasn’t ridiculous enough?
There’s this:
Now I like jade as much as the next girl, but…. no.
No, I don’t like jade that much.
I admit the instructions made me snort…
But I seriously doubt I’ll be searching for a sacred space to store one anytime soon.
They’re everywhere.. including here.
And while I like a nice manicure as much as the next girl?
I don’t think I’m quite ready to share Mr. Ed’s beauty routine.
This next product confuses me.
If my ears are cold….
Why am I sweating? And if I’m sweating….
Why are my ears cold? This makes no sense.
Third on the list –
This bothers me for two reasons.
First, the name. I mean really…. there’s only one thing I think of when I hear the word tinkle, and an eyebrow razor isn’t even close.
Second… why are sharp instruments being packaged in cutsie pastel colors with a cartoon bound to attract children?
Little Susie doesn’t want a teddy bear…. give her something to slash her wrists with instead. It’s pink!
Again with the lazy ass people products.
Because yes, cell phones really are too heavy.
Finally, there’s a product I didn’t even know I needed.
My pillowcase is giving me pimples!
When the hell did that start?
Stupid products….
Keeping the American economy strong for decades.
The Crunch Cup. So you can drink your morning cereal…
Most important meal of the day? Maybe.
But you should know my husband’s cardiologist (the top rated man at the largest and best hospital in our state) said breakfast cereal is a top contributor to obesity and diabetes in this country. He won’t even allow it in his house.
So no cereal sippy cups for us.
Toaster bags.
Now I don’t know about you, but the day I’m too lazy to butter my bread?
I’ll just hang it up for good and take to my bed with a case of Patron.
No, this is not an iPhone ball delivery system for playing catch with Fido.
Pooch Selfies.
Kill me now.
Okay…. I can almost see the attraction here.
And while this may look a little odd?
The Guzzle Buddy has my name written all over it.
But this?
This is a bridge too far.
No.
Just… no.
I don’t know about you?
But a hydrated ass is the least of my worries right now.
Have you ever walked through a store and spotted products that make you do a double take?
I do it quite often and always stop to take pictures to rant/blog/post about later.
Here are a few of my latest finds:
Pickle In A Pouch.
Unrefrigerated and languishing for God knows how long by the cash register?
That’s just wrong.
But Big Papa anthropomorphized Pickle…
The Portly Pickle who’s arms are open wide and ready to wrap you in his pickley goodness??
So very, very wrong.
Then… there was this:
A remote control Tom Brady helicopter.
Maybe Bill Belichick will use these to spy on opposing teams from now on, who knows.
But I have to admit…
I think they got Tom’s shade of lipstick just right.
And finally, there was this wireless keyboard and mouse I ordered from Amazon for the husband.
Which looked great until we opened it and found it didn’t include a dongle. I went back to the Amazon listing and it said “Just plug and play”, so where the hell was it?
Let’s check the instructions.
“Keybord”?
Yeah.
Shame my Japanese is a little rusty.
P.S. The dongle?
Hidden in a compartment on the back of the mouse.
It’s always the last place you look.
A full day of resort hopping on day 7 made us hungry so we stopped at an inn near our resort that had a well recommended British pub/restaurant.
The Jolly Drayman seemed inviting enough.
And though it was a very small place with limited seating…
I was willing to like it.
It’s a shame I couldn’t.
What English pub worth it’s salt only has 1 British beer on tap? Where was the Harp? The Smithwicks? The Old Speckled Hen? Yes, there was Guinness thank God….
But Pabst Blue Ribbon? Come on!
It went downhill from there.
A limited menu.
A disinterested, unfriendly server.
Uncomfortable seats.
And the worst beef Wellington I’ve ever had.
The husband had a not nearly hot enough beef stew ( with mashed potatoes?) that must have weighed 12 pounds… served in a fish bowl.
Framed fart humor not withstanding….
I wouldn’t go back.
Day 8…. the departure.
One more breakfast under the canoe.
And beside the twig lights.
We checked out and said goodbye to the dangerous looking ski motif rocking chairs…
And laughed at the resort’s wedding advertisement for the last time.
Heck, that’s as good a reason as any… right?
Through one more covered bridge…
And because you know my husband can’t drive past an antique store.
Funny part is, I went outside to wait for him because the owner was a crotchety old man I didn’t like the look of.
A few minutes later the husband comes out and I can hear that old man screeching his lungs out like a lunatic, cursing my husband from here to next Sunday.
Apparently husband had the audacity to take an old magazine out of it’s plastic sleeve and flip through it. Guess that’s a no no in the mountains.
Anyway, vacation over.
Home safe and sound with…. how shall we say?
Some coffee and a few beauty products for my cabinets.
Hey, if they’re going to charge an extra $25 resort fee per day for that lousy condo?
I’m going to fill my suitcase on the way out.
The end.
(You may now officially breathe that sigh of relief you’ve been holding.)
River's world..... 