Jerky that’s just phoning it in.
Perky Jerky.
It’s a thing.
And apparently so is this…
Which is a different type of perky altogether.
Of course, then Google lead me to this…
And yes, I realize you can’t unsee that.
But how often do you actually get to watch a twerking turkey?
You’re welcome.
The following is proof that my husband can inflict cruel and unusual punishment.
It happened at The 72nd Maine Lobster Festival in Rockland, Maine.
We lucked out and found a parking spot close to the festival, and it was across the street from the Trade Winds resort where I spotted the first lobster.
Although it looked more like a demented crawfish…
The stupid thing had teeth!
This did not bode well for the day….
But the weather was perfect…
And we were near the ocean.
It doesn’t get much better than that…
Or does it?
Aaarrgghh!
There be Pirates.
Pirates on the boats…
Pirates on the piers…
Basically, there were pirates everywhere.
And as much as I tried to avoid it?
There was lobster.
Mocking me and my damned allergy.
World’s Largest Lobster cooker?
Yup… that too.
We passed lobster rolls, lobster stew, lobster quesadillas, lobster mac and cheese, lobster chowder, lobster Caesar salad, lobster wontons, even lobster risotto balls….
And then there was this:
Me…. sitting in a tent, surrounded by people eating lobster.
I had to sit and watch my husband as he oohed and ahhed over every last sweet, fresh from the water, dripping in melted butter, bite.
Cruel and unusual to be sure.
It wasn’t easy.
I tried to find solace in a crabmeat roll…
And the required I’m at a street festival and have to eat the junkiest, highest calorie thing I can find fried dough.
It was good… but it wasn’t lobster.
Cursing my treacherous body, I pulled up my big girl panties and soldiered on.
We strolled through the art show…
And into the lobster trap lined entrance to the craft show.
Where the husband bought organic natural honey…
And we saw a buoy that believed size does matter….
There was another tent filled with lobster eaters…
And King Neptune….
Who looked a little lost.
The King is quite popular at the festival….
And people line up for photos whenever he walks by.
My lobster-less belly aside, it was a fun day.
And Rockland is a fun town.
Although I have to admit, the children do look a little….
Off.
Flying fish and Coo Coo is the national dish of Barbados.
But I did, because….
Did you know….
When CBS broadcast the first ever color television show they were the only ones who actually owned a color television?
Did you know…
The Egyptian hieroglyph for one hundred thousand is a tadpole?
Kind of makes you wonder what they were counting…
Did you know…
A snallygaster is a mythical dragon like beast that supposedly haunts rural Maryland?
And all this time I thought it was just David Hasslehoff.
Did you know…
Lachanophobia is the fear of vegetables?
Like kale.
That shit is everywhere.
Did you know…
Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew named Cuitlahac?
Roughly translated Cuitlahac means “plenty of excrement”.
Clearly Monty’s sister had a sense of humor.
Did you know…
In Japan, robots pay union dues.
Which answers the age old age question…
Who killed Jimmy Hoffa?
If you don’t spend countless hours staring out the window with camera in hand to see if a new bird has shown up at the horrendously expensive buffet of seeds, nuts and suet you arrange on what used to be your laundry pole?
Feel free to skip this post.
But birders will get it.
The other day I spotted a Red Bellied Woodpecker. They used to be relatively rare in Maine and all the field guides say they shouldn’t come any farther north than Massachusetts… yet here they are.
Trying to get an unobstructed shot of one proved a bit more difficult.
Juvenile starlings are notorious photo bombers.
Almost…
Finally.
An even rarer spotting was this Scarlet Tanager.
They’re usually forest dwellers and our place is pretty open.
So I was tickled pink when this little beauty showed up.
Or red, as the case may be.
That’s the wonderful thing about bird watching, you never know what you’ll see.
By now our Baltimore Orioles are usually long gone, but this year I bought a feeder that houses grape jelly so they seem to be sticking around.
These two made me laugh.
They seemed to be squaring off for an orange eating contest.
Granted it doesn’t provide the same excitement of hot dog eating contests…
But there’s also less chance of projectile vomit…
So that’s a plus.
Bird watching… there’s never a dull moment.
Alright, I lie. There are plenty of excruciatingly dull moments, but when something special does happen?
You smile.
It’s time for another peak into my absolute favorite desk calendar.
And all these months later?
She can still read my mind.
I think that one is self explanatory.
If you’re not familiar with Anne, she takes those innocent snapshots of the perfect 1950’s housewives and gives them a little twist.
If that isn’t incentive enough to fly…
I don’t know what is.
Yes….
Blue things have occasionally been found growing in the back of my refrigerator.
And we’re not talking Jello.
While I have often expressed this next sentiment…
If you look very closely…
Happy housewife on the right appears to have been holding something that was digitally removed…. and it seems to have been oblong.
Was it a Twinkie? A hot dog?
Or was this Lorena Bobbit’s grandmother?
Tough call.
And finally…
This has always been my philosophy.
Smiling.
It’s so over rated.
The hunt for a new refrigerator continues, and just as I had finished extensive research and narrowed the field down to this one…
The husband decided he wanted to go shopping and check them out for himself.
Granted, it’s a large purchase and I wanted him to like what I chose.
But ya know what?
I took him to the store and showed him my choice, which he walked right by and made a bee line for:
No.
And again? No.
Aside from the jaw dropping price tag? There’s no way I’m going to buy a refrigerator that tells me I’m out of cucumbers or what to cook for dinner.
Christ, do we really need “smart” appliances?
The day I’m too old and doddering to realize I’m out of cucumbers? I’ll stop cooking altogether.
In case you’re unfamiliar, there’s basically a computer on the door. You can make grocery lists, find recipes with the ingredients it knows are in there, and it will even link with your phone so you can check your expiration dates from remote locations.
Among other useful things….
Geesh.
All I want is cold food and ice.
Great. Scratch the ice.
So we shopped, and shopped, and shopped.
And the husband said that one’s shelves were too small, that one’s lights were too bright, that one’s drawers were too deep…. etc etc etc.
To which, after grueling 5 hours I said..
“Come on Goldilocks!”
So he picked one.
And though it’s almost exactly the same as the one I’d picked a week earlier?
This one is $700 more.
So, men?
I don’t want to hear you say your wives are spending all the money.
My husband can out shop the best of ’em.
I love it.
(But I live in Maine… I think it’s mandatory for citizenship.)
When we lived down south I missed lobster. So when we came home on vacation? I had lobster omelettes for breakfast, lobster rolls for lunch, lobster quesadillas for bar appetizers and lobster chowders with baked stuffed lobster for dinner.
Picnic? Lobster salad.
Day at the beach? Lobster bake.
We’re pretty lobster-centric in these parts.
Which made it hard for me when I came up allergic to the glorious crustacean about 7 years ago and could no longer eat it without becoming violently ill.
Yeah.
No more of this –
Or this –
Which makes me want to do this –
I’m teased by lobster at every turn living here.
There are festivals devoted to lobster.
Lobster parades.
And lobster boat races.
My husband orders lobster for dinner and eats it in front of me.
We go to motorcycle rallies where they serve endless streams of lobster.
Every friend who visits from out of state wants to don silly bibs and eat lobster.
It kills me. Each and every time….
But now?
There’s a restaurant we pass on our way up the coast that’s really rubbing my nose in it.
And that’s just….
Wrong.
I love it when I go grocery shopping and find a product that seems to be tailor made for me.
Witness River’s cookie heaven:
Cookies…
That taste like cocktails!
I was a little disappointed to find there was a bag inside the bag and how very few cookies there actually were….
But I figured that just meant they were extra special.
I was wrong.
So very, very wrong.
In fact… these cookies were not only horrible, but probably one of the worst things I’ve ever tasted in my life. And I’ve endured my MIL’s pot roast, so that’s saying something.
I mean Hell… it’s a cookie. By nature they’re flippin’ delightful!
How do you screw that up?
As I was bundling them up to throw away, I flipped over the package and noticed this:
Fruitcake.
This company shipped 12,000 pounds of the most atrocious baked good ever invented to brave, battle weary soldiers.
I know!
Hadn’t those poor men suffered enough?
Of course it does explain the low quality cookie standard and my severe revulsion to their product.
Maybe that’s the explanation.
The cookies were actually leftover fruitcake from 1943.
1. Peonies!
Great big colorful, heavily scented blooms.
If you’ve never smelled one?
I’m sorry.
They rival roses and lilacs for heavenly natural scent….
And I fill our house with them while I can.
The husband’s little nephew used to call them Pee On Me’s.
But either way?
They’re glorious.
I like.
2. The combination of wine and chocolate?
Always a winner.
But actual wine flavored chocolate?
Score!
Get yourself some immediately…. you won’t be sorry.
I like.
3. A bean bag store that stacks their products like an ice cream cone?
I like.
4. Two for one jewelry.
Buy a bracelet get a necklace…
And they both look good.
It’s true, I can.
Don’t hate me.
I like.
5. A fox with attitude.
This one stuck his tongue out at me.
Cheeky little bugger!
I like.
The new adult educational booklet for our area was delivered today and I’m dumbfounded anyone would pay money for this crap very excited for the next round of classes!
Last season we had :
You’re never too old to learn…. Spoons.
You’re never to old to learn…. Potatoes.
You’re never too old to learn…. Ukulele
You’re never too old to learn…. Chakra Toning.
You’re never too old to learn…. Mindfulness.
And this season?
We’ll start with a class about tin cans.
Yes, Tom. It’s true.
In Maine you can take a class that teaches you how to turn a tin can into a stove.
You’re welcome.
You can stop reading other blogs now, it won’t get any stupider than this.
I mean, come on…
When was the last time you fit a stove in your backpack?
Point taken. That kid might be able to…
But for the rest of us taking the class means that can of baked beans we had for dinner last night could be heating up our outdoor meals for months to come.
No, I wasn’t thinking of that particular heat source.
But then, I wasn’t thinking of this either when I searched Google….
Damn, that disturbing.
And it certainly makes their ad slogan a bit suspect….
Maybe you should use a Campbell’s soup can instead.
It worked for Warhol.
River's world..... 