Tag Archives: humor

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Because everyone wants pizza.

32 Comments

 

The husband stopped for gas the other day in his truck. Since I wasn’t with him, he opted for a little haute cuisine a la convenience store.

Pizza slices in hand…. he settled into the truck cab to munch.

And then?

This:

 

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A seagull spotted him. ( Or more likely his pizza )

 

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Husband said the silly thing squawked up a storm, pacing back and forth on the hood.

 

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When that didn’t earn him any pizza, he attacked the windshield wipers.

Husband said it was such a spectacle, people were taking pictures and one woman asked if she could put it on Facebook.

So if you see a retired Marine in a black Ford truck looking  like Tippi Hendren on your news feed?

That’s my man.

 

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And his new seagull friend.

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I hate to report this….

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But the ever dwindling woodchuck family is now down to three.

 

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Momma chuck and two children.

 

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The sextuplets are now twins.

 

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And even more outnumbered by the starlings than ever.

 

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But they’re growing quickly and packing on the pounds for winter.

 

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So much so, it’s getting hard to distinguish them from their mother.

 

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Until…

 

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She stands up.

 

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No doubt about it then.

 

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Does anyone know where I can get a woodchuck girdle?

Asking for a friend.

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What is it with men and old westerns?

45 Comments

 

They say there’s a little boy in every man….. and if that’s true?

Mine is playing cowboys and Indians.

Left to his own devices, my husband could easily watch the western channel 24 hours a day.  I know…. because True Grit, Fort Apache and Rio Bravo have been the background soundtrack to my life for the past 36 years.

He likes westerns, ergo he likes John Wayne.

Not as a real person, he neither knows nor cares who that was….. but rather as an idealized portrait of what a real man is supposed to be. At least on screen.

So when we went to Lowes the other day and were standing on the check out line? You know he had to grab this:

 

 

“Manly meals”.

I’m sure you can hear my eyes rolling from there.

 

 

Who knew my husband wanted to be a cookout legend?

The man who has never read a recipe in his life, but had to buy this book. And may I just say?

I was not impressed.

 

 

 

That is the saddest excuse for steak I’ve ever seen. And with pesto made from cilantro as an accompaniment? The Duke and his horse should be run out of town with their heads hanging down in shame.

 

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Now correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t Texas do everything up big?

If so, these are misnamed…. because those are the skimpiest, most pathetic tacos to ever grace a shell.

And I’m from Maine.

We fill our tacos with haddock and lobster… what do we know?

I’ll spare you the Gun Smokey Barbecue Chicken and the Ringo Kid’s Skirt Steak, but suffice it to say I doubt any of Wayne’s dishes will ever make it to our table.

And now, because this is my blog and you know I can’t help myself…. here’s one final picture of the quintessential manly man.

You can thank me later.

 

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Well that clears things up.

33 Comments

 

I’m shamefully reposting this from our town’s Facebook page because it captures the dynamic perfectly.

Want to find out who the idiots are in your community?

Join your town’s “Friends and Family” or local group page. The gossips, the curmudgeons, the do gooders, the righteously offended…. they’re all actively posting and making asses out of themselves on a regular basis.

Read on and tell me you don’t recognize a few of these people.

 

QUESTION:

How many Facebook group members does it take to change a light bulb?

ANSWER:

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it’s ‘lightbulb’ or ‘light bulb’.

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being a***holes.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is ‘lamp’.

15 know-it-alls who claim that they were in the industry and that ‘light bulb’ is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and GIFs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added: “I’m just here for the comments.”)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post the letter “F”.

8 to ask what F means.

7 to post ‘Following’ despite the 3 dots at the top right that mean you don’t have to.

3 to say “can’t share”.

2 to reply “can’t share from a closed group”.

36 people to post photos of their own light bulbs.

15 people to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or privately message an admin/moderator because someone said “f÷×$”

4 to say “Didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”.

13 to say “Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”.

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn’t the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

3 to state sanctimoniously that this is supposed to be a friendly Facebook group and that all of this petty nonsense is a result of people abandoning courtesy.

5 admins to ban the posters who were insulting.

3 who come up with a conspiracy theory about light bulbs which either involves them catching Coronavirus or that they will fry their brains.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

 

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I don’t know much about guns…

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But this seemed like a weirdo even to me.

 

 

The husband is always picking up old magazines and articles about days gone by… probably in a vain attempt to identify the piles of crap he collects.

I don’t usually read them but hey, there’s a global pandemic and I tend to twitch if I run out of books.

 

 

Like I said, I don’t know much about guns..

 

 

But this does seem a trifle excessive.

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A deer-able.

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We caught another glimpse of Bambi last night.

 

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Making it’s way into the woods with mom.

 

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Can I get an awwww?

 

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Last year’s babies antlers are growing…. this one’s straight up.

 

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And this one’s up and out.

 

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They’re brothers and no, I have no idea why their racks grow in different shapes.

And lastly, the end.

 

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Of the deer, as well as my post.

 

 

 

 

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Products that make my eyes roll.

34 Comments

 

Maybe it’s just me, but when I see a list of “must have” products?

It’s a guarantee I mustn’t.

 

 

Do I need a magnetized bin to save my lint?

I most decidedly do not.

Does anyone?

With my luck I’d save lint and the red squirrels would steal it and start nest building again.

 

 

So basically this is a tarp with a square frame and handles. It costs $30 and you still have to pay someone to haul it away. Makes me glad I live in the country where we can just load up our truck and drive to the dump.

 

 

Is this a joke?

No one wants to time warp back to 80’s hair.

 

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Ack!

 

 

 

Eco friendly bamboo? Fine.

 

But charcoal bristles treated with carbon?

 

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This is not a look I care to embrace.

And finally….

 

 

Sorry, but I’m thinking my inner mermaid is better left unrevealed.

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So wrong…. it’s right.

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My husband watches television to relax.

And while he’s usually knee deep in the news or old westerns, occasionally there will be a bit of classic cinema thrown into the mix.

 

 

Last week?

It was The Giant Claw.

 

 

Alternate title? When Dr. Seuss goes horribly wrong.

 

 

I mean come on.

Only a mother could love that face.

 

Description

Engineer Mitch MacAfee (Jeff Morrow) spots a UFO while directing a study at the North Pole. But when the Air Force arrives they find nothing on radar, throwing Mitch’s reputation into doubt. But soon many airplanes are reporting attacks by a UFO, which turns out to be a giant speeding bird from outer space. Along with mathematician Sally Caldwell (Mara Corday), Mitch tries to determine a way to stop the bird, which has a force field that renders all weapons useless.

 

Yup. It was a classic.

Big Bird terrorizes New York.

 

 

Here he is attacking the United Nations.

 

 

1950’s people were running.

 

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Which seemed to please the bird to no end.

 

 

Airplanes?

 

 

Yeah, he liked those too.

 

 

But never fear, these scientists will save the day.

 

 

The world is counting on them.

 

 

Bird was not impressed.

 

 

But look at all those high tech tubes and toggle switches!

It was only a matter of time.

 

 

The Giant Claw was toast…

And slowly sunk into the Hudson River.

Classic!

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They’re not worthy.

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Not worthy of a blog of their own, but random interesting stuff all the same.

(And by interesting, you know I mean not at all interesting… just random information you didn’t want nor need but I feel compelled to share anyway)

 

 

I read a lot…. and before now have never thought of myself as any of these.

But from now on?

I’m an ink drinker all the way.

 

 

Yes, I bought myself a frying pan that’s reinforced by diamonds.

Because my fried chicken deserves the very best.

 

 

My rose is blooming like a lolly pop.

 

 

Is this earth shattering news you can use?

No.

But nothing I say ever is.

 

 

This claims to be the perfect Cosmopolitan recipe.

I shall research it extensively and report back.

 

 

Sadly, we had to shop for 2 headstones for recently passed members of my husband’s family.

After we picked the size of the stone, and the color of the granite….this was what we were given. Sheets of paper with literally thousands of designs that were printed so small, even reading glasses and a magnifying glass barely helped us make them out.

I believe the husband chose a lighthouse for one…. but it could as easily have been a beer keg.

Time will tell.

 

 

Danger Will Robinson!

If you’ve never experienced a browntail moth rash you haven’t lived a full life. Imagine mixing poison ivy with fire ants and chicken pox…. and you might come close.

These little bastards have moved into Maine and are stripping our trees bare. And if you happen to brush up against one of them? Hang on, because you’ll attempt to rip the skin off your bones within 12 hours. Nothing stops the itch except a spray that comes in a one ounce bottle sold by one hospital in the state for $65 per. Insurance won’t cover it and you need a doctor’s prescription to purchase it.

I get the rash at least 3 times a year.

Good times.

And finally, if you’ve been wondering what people are doing to keep busy during the pandemic… or how they’re spending their stimulus money?

Wonder no longer.