Ordering flowers over the phone for a friend who just had surgery down in North Carolina. I wanted a large, impressive arrangement and was very specific with my request. I said….
No carnation fillers.
All pink and purple.
An interesting vase… definitely no clear glass.
So what did they deliver for $160?
A clear glass vase, filled with carnations… and a few yellow roses and orange gerber daisies stuck in for no other reason than to piss me off.
$160 worth of everything I didn’t want!
I don’t like….
Ordering a pair of hard to find little batteries from Amazon that fit in an envelope.
And having it come in a box.
Talk about overkill.
I don’t like…
Reading Maine native Stephen King’s latest,
And realizing he’s lost his touch.
This new book? Meh…
Don’t bother.
I don’t like…
Buying a tin of Altoids to keep in my car,
Getting them home and realizing…
They’re slightly past their prime.
2009?
Damn. That’s worse than what I have in the back of my kitchen cabinet.
I don’t like….
My husband getting called into work on a weekend because,
Some idiot doesn’t know how to steer his hot air balloon.
The name of the novel that inspired the film Blade Runner was Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
I do because…..
I find it rather disturbing.
As should you…
Did you know…
La Brea means The Tar? So when you talk about ‘the La Brea Tar Pits’ in California you are actually saying The The Tar Tar Pits.
Talk about overkill.
Did you know…
Hindu men once believed it was unlucky to marry a third time so they avoided misfortune by marrying a tree? It was then burned, freeing them up to marry again.
I imagine it went like this:
Did you know…
To improve her memory, Eleanor Roosevelt ate three chocolate-covered garlic balls for breakfast most of her adult life?
It’s a matter of record that she and Franklin Roosevelt took their meals at opposite ends of a long, long table.
And geesh, who could blame him?
Did you know…
Due to a different gravitational force, if you weigh 200lbs on earth….. you would weigh 76 lbs on Mars?
Come on Elon.
Momma needs a trip to Mars.
Yeah, you’ll need to put that down first.
Did you know….
An octopus’s testicles are located in it’s head?
He also can remove his spermatophore-loaded mating arm and give it to a female if she’s hungry and likely to eat him.
My husband’s master plan involves a serious amount of temporary screwing, refitting, removing and replacing. He’s not a huge fan of measuring… but he’s a man.
This is not surprising.
Of course this means 3 times as much work.
I think one planned demolition and rebuild would suffice…. but I’m a woman.
What do I know?
There’s also a good deal of shifting the husband’s crap we don’t need now, nor will we ever need again stuff from one place to another. Like the hurricane generator we bought in 1992 when we lived down south and haven’t used since.
Or the wheel weights for the tractor we no longer own.
Or the numerous tires for the cars we no longer own.
Or the table that went with the chairs we no longer own….
Right beside the small refrigerator I had no earthly idea we owned.
All of these things are heavy and filthy and must be moved over and over again because he can’t be convinced to throw them out.
Good times.
There was hammering.
And crowbar-ing …. and yes. A good deal of cursing because the structure is 45 years old and not exactly plumb.
There was also a good deal of displaced dirt.
Thanks to numerous woodchuck tunnels…
Which undermined our attempt to simply re-side and re-shingle the damned thing.
Now we have to completely dig up the hard packed floor and smooth it all out.
The Liebster Award is an award that exists only on the internet and is given to bloggers by other bloggers. The earliest case of the award goes as far back as 2011. Liebster in German means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome.
The award is a way to be discovered but also to connect and support the blogging community. A great idea in promoting your own blog and others. Originally it was given out to blogs with less than 2000 readers but this has slowly lowed as the reward has gained popularity. It is now only 200 readers or less. It’s really an arbitrary number. If you like helping other blogs out go ahead and do it regardless of its size.
With thanks to Rebecca Wallick at wildsensibility for the nomination….. ( I’m not sure sweetest and endearing are the first words people think of when my blog comes to mind, but hey. I’ll take praise where and when I can. )
If you love dogs, natural splendor and stunning scenic photographs, check out Rebecca’s page. She’s got them all in spades.
Onward!
You know the rules… I have to answer questions. Which I shall do with the utmost amount of seriousness.
1. What typically is the closest object on your right when you’re writing (not including a computer mouse)?
You’ll probably be sorry you asked that… but it’s a poop drone.
And yes, of course it flies.
2. What one-sentence bit of advice would you give to your 13-year-old self?
At 13… I was a shy little thing. Reticent to open my mouth or make my presence known. (Hard to believe, I know) So I would probably tell her…. Dance! Jump off that pier! Sing with the band! Say yes to all the adventures life lays before you and don’t worry so much about what other people think. By the time you’re sitting here blogging about it? It will be too late.
3. Describe your ideal writing space and place (assuming money isn’t an issue).
For me… that would be a treehouse.
A glam treehouse, with a frozen margarita machine and a never ending supply of tequila and limes. Surrounded by nature and the songs of birds, that’s where I’d like to be.
4. What is your most frequent photographic subject?
That changes depending on the season.. and my moods. Lately?
It’s a woodchuck who looks like Jabba the Hut.
5. Favorite quote?
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”
With…. “I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host.” coming in a close second.
Ole Dorothy Parker knew her stuff.
6. What does blogging (writing, and reading) add to your life?
A sense of connection. It’s like reaching my hand out across the globe and touching people I would never have otherwise met. (And by touching, I’m speaking metaphorically. Don’t call the vice squad.)
7. If you could choose to be any animal for a 24-hour period, which would you be and why?
A wombat.
And I have no idea why.
8. Do you have other creative outlets besides writing?
I used to draw. I used to write poetry. I used to make dried flower wreaths. I used to cross stitch. I used to stamp. I used to paint. I used to dry brush ceramics. I used to do a lot of things. Now… I just take crazy pictures and blog.
And drink.
I drink very creatively.
Amen, Tyrion. Amen.
Okay, now I’m supposed to nominate blogs I think you should discover and make them answer questions as well.
Of course, if you know me… you know my questions won’t be normal. Where’s the fun in that?
1. Acknowledge the blog which nominated you.
2. Answer the questions your nominator asked.
3. Nominate two to six other bloggers who might appreciate the boost.
4. Ask them several unique questions.
5. Let them know you have nominated them.
And answer these questions –
1. You’re a pigeon newly arrived in Hollywood. Who do you poop on first?
2. Donald Trump has been impeached. Mike Pence has been trampled to death at a gay pride parade. Nancy Pelosi has resigned her position and run off to Tahiti with a member of BTS. You’ve been chosen to be the next President of the United States. What’s your first executive order?
3. The Brussels Sprout is a much maligned ( and extremely gassy ) cruciferous vegetable. You run a PR firm and have just been hired to tweak it’s image. Go!
4. Your lifelong dream of being a stripper has come true. What’s your stage name?
5. Your cruise ship is sinking and you’ve scrambled onto a life raft only to realize it’s overloaded. What… or who… do you push overboard? A case of craft beer, your significant other, the oars, a beloved pet wombat, or the ship’s navigator ?
*Note – if you say beer or wombat, you are dead to me*
Yes, those really are the questions.
If you were expecting, “Name the most influential person in your life” or “What is your favorite memory of childhood” you’re reading the wrong blog.
We do things differently here.
Yes, I realize you can’t unsee that.
But if you’re struggling for a stripper name… feel free to be inspired.
For once, our small town’s Facebook page rose above the petty gossip and backstabbing and actually came in handy. Last night, along with the usual lost pig notices… there was a report of a dump truck flipping over, taking out a power line and closing the main road. This was helpful since my husband’s car had overheated and left him stranded on I-295. Knowing about the closure in advance saved me taking the out of the way detour.
Of course the page also had some other gems.
Rent a goat! There’s a start up sure to make a fortune.
Heck, they love to eat…
Are easy to transport….
And give great back massages.
How could you lose?
Then there was this:
Someone wants to cook pie for me?
That can’t be bad.
And finally, there was this heartfelt thank you note…
Moral of that story?
If you live in the country, always carry carrots and apples.
Okay, well….
There’s no correct amount of produce for that.
Where there's only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.
River's world..... 