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Is this a thing?

March 22, 2019 Rivergirl 37 Comments

Every once in a while I go shopping, see something…

And say whaaaaat?

Like this strange product I spotted at T.J.Maxx.

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Ear candles.

Do they set the mood for the intimate dinner parties I hold inside my head?

Or is it a new way to light someone’s cigarette?

WTH?

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Naturally relaxing?

Which part?

When the hot wax drips onto my face and burns away my eyebrows…

Or when the flame catches my hairspray on fire and I spontaneously combust?

I posted this ridiculous product on my FB page and immediately had 2 friends commented that they’d tried it.

(Note to self – re-examine criteria for picking friends)

One said she had it done at a spa. (Pay money for someone to light a candle and stick it in my ear? Not happening.)

The other said it has health benefits and it removed his ear wax. ( I researched this and there is no medical evidence to support the claim)

(It should also be noted this guy smokes a little weed)

(Okay, a lot of weed.)

This is how it supposedly works.

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“… patient might hear sizzling noise” ?

Yeah.

That’s either the sound of your brain frying….. or P.T. Barnum’s ghost dancing a jig in your ear canal.

I’m all for alternate remedies that don’t line the pocket of big pharma, but sorry.

The only way a flame is getting that near my face is if someone lights my Sambuca.

`1234

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Peace, love…. and no thanks.

March 21, 2019 Rivergirl 51 Comments

It’s been a long running joke in our marriage that my husband went to Woodstock ….

(Yes, the original. And yes, he’s that old)

Took a look around, and left.

Left!

Left the greatest live musical event in history!

I know, that was my reaction too.

The joke is, had I known this disturbing piece of information before we got married… it would have been a deal breaker.

In August of 1969, when the counter culture was doing this?

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And listening to this?

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I was…

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Yeah. Walking the dog with some sassy red kicks.

Needless to say, I was too young to attend.

So years later, when I heard my beloved other half say Woodstock “wasn’t his scene”, and that he had hitch hiked to New York that August, joined the throngs of hippies walking to the concert, “saw a bunch of half naked people dancing and smoking dope” and decided to leave?

A little piece of me died.

I would have killed to be there. Rain, mud et al.

In my hippie days of the late 70’s, the closest I got was following the Dead around New England… or going to the Claremont Music Festival in New Hampshire. We camped out, we smoked weed, it rained… but it still wasn’t Woodstock.

And now, in August 2019 on the 50th anniversary? There’s another Woodstock brewing.

I was thrilled!

The husband even agreed to go!

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(Probably just to shut me up about the first one, but who cares!)

And then I saw the list of performers.

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And while a few of the original artists will be there…. Santana, Fogerty from CCR, Country Joe McDonald and David Crosby (no, I’m not counting Dead and Company with John Mayer. Please! Without Jerry, they’re not the Dead)…. scanning the list made me want to cry.

Soccer Mommy? Pussy Riot? Amigo the Devil?

Damn. I must be old, because I don’t know half of these groups. And while I love the Black Keys, Dawes, The Lumineers, and a handful of others? My need for more classic rock, folk or blues from back in the day makes me think to hell with it. You can’t go home again.

And apparently you can’t go back to Max Yasgur’s farm either because the event is being held 150 miles away in Watkins Glen.

At the race track.

With a limited amount of tickets because they’re worried about traffic jams.

Traffic jams?

Good god.

There’s even an app.

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Peace, love and music?

I doubt it. The Millennials have taken over and it will probably be merchandised to within an inch of it’s life and have more to do with profit than peace and brotherhood.

Sigh…

Sorry husband. It looks like you’re still going to have to take my crap about leaving the first one.

And rightfully so.

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I drink and I know things.

March 20, 2019 Rivergirl 39 Comments

I do.

And I have the shirt to prove it.

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People often say I’m a font of useless knowledge…

(Okay it’s just my husband who says that, and it’s usually to keep me from talking during John Wayne movies) But I do rock at Trivial Pursuit and no one will play with me anymore. So that means I’m going to have to share ~~the ridiculous tidbits that fill my head~~ my fun facts here.

With you.

On a regular basis.

Shall we begin?

That’s the spirit.

#1. The first toilet ever seen on television was on Leave It To Beaver.

21om2p

Why do I know this?

I don’t know… I just do.

Another?

#2. Dr. Seuss pronounced his name so it rhymed with rejoice.

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Dr. Soice? Say it isn’t so!

But it is.

You’re welcome.

#3. A leech has 32 brains.

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32 brains?

That seems like serious overkill, seeing that most government officials can’t find their first.

#4. The world’s widest road is the Monumental Axis in Brazil where 160 cars can drive side by side.

Yeah.

And you know that guy in the far left lane is still going to try and take that right hand exit 100 feet before the ramp.

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#5. Three Mile Island is only 2.5 miles long.

Clearly a man named it, as they all measure 6 inches incorrectly.

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I think this goes without saying.

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I’m related to a snowball.

March 19, 2019 Rivergirl 40 Comments

This probably doesn’t surprise most of you..

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But perhaps I should explain.

A few years ago my girlfriend infected me with the genealogy bug, and let me tell you…. once you catch it? There is no cure.

Before I knew it I was wandering dusty old libraries and searching moth eaten town halls.

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Yes, I’ve even stalked a few cemetery custodians.

They’re a font of valuable information.

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It’s fair to say I was obsessed for a while and spent ~~hours, days, weeks, months~~ way too much time climbing the old family tree.

Some lines are frustrating and dead end right away.

Other lines like my paternal grandmother’s, I traced back to the year 1134. It helps when you have someone famous… most of the work has been done for you.

One of my semi famous relatives?

Jabez B. Snowball

The Hon. Jabez B. Snowball.

Yes, dear old 2nd great Uncle Jabez.

Wikipedia page

Lumber baron and Lt. Governor of New Brunswick, Canada.

I actually found this among my father’s papers…

Jabez Bunting Snowball0001

Although I have no earthly idea who wrote it.

Genealogy is fun.

And fascinating.

And rewarding.

As well as incredibly frustrating.

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It’s also surprising.

Like when I started on my mother’s side of Austrian relatives…

And found Franz.

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Damn. That’s disturbing…

Good thing he was only the father in law of my 1rst cousin twice removed.

Genealogy.

Ya never know who will fall out when you shake the family tree.

Uncategorized

Let’s talk about Spam….

March 18, 2019 Rivergirl 25 Comments

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I have to admit, WordPress’s spam catcher is pretty effective.

Although, come on….

jhgyeuwi

They could have let that through.

So it never ceases to amaze me how many people and companies keep trying. I mean, yes… practice makes perfect. And kudos to them for their tenacity, but today I had 33 spam messages trapped.

33.

6 of them from the pretty guinea pig.

Buy Amoxil 500mg Amoxicillin http://theprettyguineapig.com/amoxicillin/

Who clearly thinks I need an antibiotic.

987456512321

Damn…

That’s a disturbing thought.

Then there’s this cryptic example.

Research – good research is significant to buying
a reliable dress. With the drive comes the need of creation. It is unachievable
to “make” others happy, in but the. That is, as long as you follow that will. http://pro-social.ru/bitrix/redirect.php?event1=&event2=&event3=&goto=http://aidanharris.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php%3Fd=cuci.today

While I agree buying the right dress may require a little extra effort…

wedding-dress-from-60-amp-039-s_o_3055653

They lost me with “It is unachievable
to “make” others happy, in but the. That is, as long as you follow that will.”

Maybe making others happy in the but is achievable.

Don’t scoff, everyone needs a life goal.

I was a little disappointed to see this flagged as Spam –

Frank

20 hours ago·

tunklitankli.com

Spam

Arizona sightseeing ….

Your site has exceptional content. I bookmarked the site

Because hey –

98765

This one surprised me –

taylor swift 22 live billboard

a day ago·

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It is often a fast-paced, high-risk trading option that potentially
gives substantial returns. This mentality will
absolutely move you killed.

Taylor Swift wants to kill me if I move?

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Yeah, well… bite me Taylor.

You can’t keep a boyfriend and I’ve been married 35 years. Hope your Grammys keep you warm at night.

Then there are the never ending, non stop online casino ads.

These spammers are dedicated. Once they find you? They don’t let go…. but that’s okay. Because yes, they do make me laugh.

live blackjack game

6 days ago·

http://www.goslingshot.com/__media_

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Texas hold em poker has slip on huge around turmoil.

Texas has huge slip ons?

920x920

That’s just wrong.

“…this is nonetheless not preferable to gamble by having an above exhausted head.”

Agreed.

I hate having an above exhausted head.

exhausted-cat-memes-6

..”When asked for advice, the nice I could offer was for him to continue
playing Gin using wife.”

I’m no marriage expert, but the only type of gin I want my husband to be playing with is this:

hACEDEBBA

And finally…

…“Did the enemy team get Baron due to the fact nobody on the own group warded this?
Did an enemy stroll into five of yourself and pass on? Every tiny mistake needs for famous to create certain you can study.
To fail to Do that a lot of.”

Yes, the enemy team got Baron Trump, because really… who wants to deal with that dad on the sidelines?

I don’t remember the enemy strolling in and passing on. Let me ask my 4 other personalities and get back to you.

But…. help me out here. What does every tiny mistake need?

Even I can’t unpack that one.

Uncategorized

A wee bit of snow.

March 16, 2019 Rivergirl 44 Comments

Southern Maine dodged the snow bullet this winter with only a few insignificant storms here and there.

Northern Maine…?

Not so much.

Every time we got an inch?

They got a foot.

Personally, I think that kind of snow is a hoot.

Snow banks?

Yeah, baby.

That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

Snowmobile trail?

It’s there…

Somewhere.

Well, I wouldn’t go that far.

Two years ago this was our driveway –

And yes, that’s a ruler.

Ah, winter.

You make life interesting…

Uncategorized

Anne Taintor gets me.

March 15, 2019 Rivergirl 25 Comments

Yes… she’s a Maine born, Harvard educated artist.

And yes… she addresses domestic stereotypes with humor and advertisements from a bygone era.

But ya know what?

This woman gets me.

See what I mean?

Shoes!

Her annual engagement calendar always has a prominent place on my desk and it never fails to make me smile.

Oh, those perfect 1950’s housewives…. you know the ones – perfectly coiffed, wearing high heels and pearls to wash dishes? The ones who got a little too excited over that new Hoover the husband bought them for their anniversary?

I like to imagine they were thinking this way.

I know I would have.

And if my hubby gave me a Hoover on our anniversary?

Yes, Anne.

You get me.

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I bought a book.

March 14, 2019 Rivergirl 20 Comments

No, that isn’t news.

I’m an avid reader and am probably personally responsible for Jeff Bezos’s ranking on the Fortune 500.

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But this book was special.

As you may know, I have a fondness for chickens.

It started years ago when our farming neighbor moved in across the street and asked us to ~~baby~~ chicken sit.

Matter of fact, here’s a picture of the husband trying to speak to those first chickens.

As you can see, it didn’t go well. The chickens weren’t paying attention.

Were his conversational skills severely lacking…

Or did he just not speak their language?

The chickens might have been saying all kinds of fascinating things!

absmfg

Or not.

The point is we didn’t know.

And as the flocks grew larger…

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We made friends…

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But the language barrier was problematic.

My pathetic attempts at cooing were for naught.

Clearly the birds had something to say.

Possibly deep, philosophical things….

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But we couldn’t decipher it.

Until now.

So join me on the journey.

And we’ll explore these topics.

Admit it.

There have been times you’ve wanted to chat up a chicken too.

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It will be fun…

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A little catch up…

March 12, 2019 Rivergirl 25 Comments

Since it took me a month and a half to post vacation pics, it’s time to get you back up to speed on the ~~dreadfully boring~~ fascinating tidbits that are my life.

You may have heard the government had a shut down during our trip. Luckily this caused us no financial hardships, but it did mean the husband’s paychecks were delayed. And being the federal government, you know they had to make something simple ridiculously difficult.

The husband gets paid the same amount every 2 weeks. Same amount of pay, same amount of deductions. You would think they could just deposit the 2 missing paychecks.

But no.

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Whaaaat?

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It shouldn’t surprise you that as of today, his pay is still hosed up.

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Now to the weather…

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Yeah.

It’s been cold.

And yeah.

You did.

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The back yard deer are hungry.

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And so are the turkeys.

We love the deer. The turkeys? Not so much.

They’re comical… but they poop. A lot.

Enough said.

Valentines Day came and went…

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The husband sent me roses.

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And I gave him a framed shot of the night sky from the exact location of our wedding day.

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I know.

We’re so special it hurts.

Of course the really wonderful thing about Valentines Day is the day after….

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When chocolate is half price!

That’s the definition of true love right there.

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Because nothing ever goes smoothly.

March 11, 2019 Rivergirl 12 Comments

As we were driving down to Phoenix, I checked my Delta mobile app and saw that not only had our flight been cancelled due to bad weather, but that we’d been scheduled for one the following day… which was forecast to be an even worse storm.

Thinking oh Hell no, I called the airline and ~~argued, cursed,~~ ~~berated,~~ begged, pleaded, flirted, and okay…. promised a future child to secure us a flight for that day.

Im-not-proud

It worked, but we couldn’t fly into Maine as planned and could only get as far as Boston. This forced the husband to frantically scour his phone contacts to see which friend he could talk into driving south 3 hours in a raging blizzard to pick us up.

You find out who your true friends are in situations like that.

vndgfue

Yeah.

Because I can’t honestly say I would have done it.

And now….

The required ~~she has to have the window seat so she can take pictures even though she has no idea where or what they are~~ aerial photos.

No matter how many times I fly…

I’m always that geeky kid who gets a huge kick out of looking down on our world.

The ever changing landscapes never cease to thrill me.

The grandeur of the mountains…

The ridiculous giant tiddly winks….

It’s all good.

What do you do with a 4 hour layover in Minneapolis?

You drink….

You eat a surprisingly decent shrimp alfredo….

And watch this cowpoke couple play video games without speaking to each other for over an hour and a half.

Not one word.

Ah, modern living. Where the art of conversation is well and truly dead.

Long story short…

( Who am I kidding, I’ve never told a short story in my life. This vacation was 2 weeks long and it’s taken me 48 days to blog about it. But in my defense? There were a lot of rocks.)

We arrived home exhausted at 4:30 am… after a nail biting (just an expression, I pay way too much for these babies to nibble) 5 hour (should have taken 2.5) snow blinded (there must have been a road, but we didn’t see it) ice covered (slipperier than a Trump family lawyer) drive.

The end.

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