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Tag Archives: humor
An honest politician!
I received a flier in the mail the other day for a man running for the State House of Representatives.
And while I usually throw those things away, this one grabbed my attention for it’s absolute and utter honesty.
Finally! I thought….
Someone is taking responsibility for their actions.
It explained so much!
The total lack of unicorns visiting our backyard…
The fact that people still watch reality tv….
Oh, alright.
It was really just a statement about his opponent’s outrageous claims against him and his political record.
But for a minute there..
It was nice to dream about an honest politician, right?
It’s still growing…..
I walk by it every day and try not to cringe.
Rising up out of the driveway…
The miniature mutant brain….
Is starting to…..
Crack!
What is it about shoes?
Hello, My name is River…. and I’m an addict.
There I said it.
I’m an admitted shoe-aholic.
And while it’s entirely possible I started out life like this –
My love of shoes has been a constant through the years. In the past I had racks full of sexy high heeled shoes. Truly… I never met a pump or peep toe mule I didn’t like. But now, in my decrepit early 50’s with evil bunions paining my every step, you’re more likely to find sandals, sneakers and boots clogging my closet.
But that doesn’t mean I still don’t have a slight problem.
So I went shoe shopping last week and bought a few pairs for fall/winter.
But in my defense, I never repeated a color so that should count for something.
Grey, olive, navy, brown, putty, (yes, be quiet…that’s a color) black, and beige.
Okay….
I lied.
I did buy 2 black pairs. But one was leather and one was suede.
And yes, I bought 2 beige pairs… but look. That one has lacy cutouts on the top.
And that blue pair? Well, they’re fleece lined so that’s totally different.
The brown.
Damn. I have no excuse for the brown.
But I’m an addict, remember? Shoes are my crack!
There are those ( My husband, my friends, my family, my old coworkers… alright basically everyone. You happy?) who say I have too many shoes.
To which I reply –
Too many shoes?
Pffftt! It’s like being too rich or too thin…. just not possible.
And please don’t raise the possibility of me returning any of my recent purchases to the store.
Because it’s not going to happen.
I love me some shoes.
And clearly the universe agrees…
Because it sent me a sign in the mail today.
Did I mention I also love the word free?
Let’s talk, Philadelphia…..
Disclaimer:Â I am not a hockey fan and I have nothing against the city of Philadelphia.
So if I offend any die hard Flyers out there, apologies. But your new mascot has me (and frankly all of sportsdom)  freaked the f*ck out  a bit baffled.
Meet Gritty.
Who is, as one site put it:
“An amorphous burnt-sienna blob that looks like the product of the unholy union between a third-tier H.R. Pufnstuf character and an even-more-hirsute-than-usual Seth Rogan.”
I mean, what exactly were the creators going for here…
Homicidal maniac?
Under medicated sociopath?
If they meant to terrify women and children and send them home with bone chilling nightmares…. well done Philly.
Face it, this thing is disturbing.
Witness it’s nod to Kim Kardashian.
And the fact that Gritty took numerous spills on the ice his first night did not go unnoticed.
When the Pittsburgh Penguins reTweeted the photo with the line, “Lol, ok”
Gritty showed his true colors.
Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
Class is in session.
I admit when I chose this week’s course I thought it was a joke.
But clearly I am woefully uninformed because Pickleball really is a thing.
*******************************************************************************
Beginner Pickleball.
Have you heard the buzz about Pickleball and wondered what it was all about? Come learn to play this wonderful paddle sport, suitable for all ages. Taught by an experienced tennis professional who has become a Pickleball devotee, this class will have you playing in no time. Paddles and balls supplied. Bring tennis shoes to put on when you arrive (no street shoes allowed on the courts).
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Pickleball?
I had visions of this:
But no…. it really does exist.
There are courts, equipment, instructors, a magazine and evidently…
Nomenclature.
After doing a little research, I discovered it’s a rather slow paced game primarily embraced by the retired set.
Although not without it’s vanguard.
And hey, if you’re lucky enough to live in Pittsburgh…
(Yes, I said that with a straight face.)
So maybe I’d better get a jump on my sunset years, grab a ball and start pickling.
Who’s with me?
Wednesdays 5:30-7:30 pm for 6 weeks.
$59/$64Â Non refundable.
And the summer sucking project turns another corner.
Yeah, we’re still at it.
Another corner turned, another paper wall flapping in the breeze.
I am officially sick of vinyl siding.
If you’ve ever put it on, you know what I mean. If you’re thinking of putting it on? Don’t. Second mortgage the house, sell a future unnamed child… whatever it takes…. and hire a professional. Yes they charge an utter fortune, and now I know why. This stuff will drive you to drink.
Yes, he screwed that in place. And no, he was too annoyed to answer my innocent WTF question.
Hell, even the dog looked confused.
(Not ours, we were dog sitting for the farmers over the weekend. Dogs, chickens…. whatcha got? We’ll watch them all!)
Please let it be noted I cringed when I saw this –
Because when your husband pays $4,000 to fix scratches and paint his old truck? And then uses it as a workbench?
Grrrr.
But the back was finished…
With the third side well on it’s way.
And in case you’re thinking all I do is take blog pictures while he’s hard at work, think again.
I have to take up the mowing slack this project has left behind.
And trust me, it’s a lot of mowing.
I earn my keep.
If only I had a little help…
A fashion question.
I was flipping through New York magazine the other day…
And being from Maine, one particular photograph struck me.
It was of a Dolce and Gabbana evening gown.
And it got me wondering.
Exactly to what kind of high society event does one wear a giant lobster claw?
I could see her snatching a champagne flute off a waiter’s tray with it, sure.
And maybe crushing some Harvey Weinstein like idiot’s roving hand.
But still.
It seems a trifle cumbersome for a night on the town.
Where are Scully and Mulder when you need them?
I told you!
I told you there was something weird going on around here, but nooooo. You all just thought I was nuts.
Well, crunch on this pistachio for a moment people:
There is something (or someone!) trying to escape from under my driveway.
You heard me.
It’s in there… and it wants out!
I was mowing the lawn the other day and thought I saw a mushroom.
We’ve had a lot of rain recently and the little bastards are popping up everywhere.
So when I caught sight of this one, I tried to kick it over…. because you know, ick.
But it didn’t move.
Not one single millimeter.
It’s stable, and solid.
And growing..
Rising up out of the tar like some mutant alien organism.
And that can’t be good.
I mean Holy guacamole Batman, look at it!
It’s beginning to look like…
A brain.
It’s….. evolving.
And I’m scared.
😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱
Just in time for Christmas!
Never let it be said I don’t help my friends.
Do you have one of those hard to buy for people on your shopping list?
You know…. that one person you struggle with every year because they already have everything?
Well, I can almost guarantee you they don’t have any of these.
Yes.
Those are gifts made with moose poo.
Well, Mainers love to recycle.
As well as sell tourists lots of useless crap they don’t need.
I can’t really answer that.
But if you need a floating moose turd key chain, I can probably hook you up.
You’re welcome.
😎
River's world..... 