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I mean, really. Who wouldn’t?
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A wiener beverage is a beautiful thing.
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Who knew pricks were so helpful?
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I’ve been seeing a lot of the next type of item recently.
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If someone could explain the current fascination with unicorn bodily functions to me, that would be swell.
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Mixed tapes?
Someone needs to set Marty McFly’s dial to the 21rst Century.
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First it was cat butts, now Corgi.
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The world really has gone mad.
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My only question is why anyone makes these things in the first place.
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I prefer my clams in chowder with heavy cream thank you very much.
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Oh, hell no. I can only drink if the BeeGees are playing?
Trust me, if the BeeGees are playing…. I’ll need more not less.
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I’m sorry, but they don’t. Less really is more.
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While this is rather cute? It’s also a great way to take out an eye. Weaponized mallows are over the top, even for me.
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No. Aside from the fact the packaging seems to be marketed for 6 year old girls…
I refuse to wear a perfume named Juicy Bunny on sheer principle.
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In what universe are these an acceptable substitute for Lays?
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Give me potatoes or give me death.
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Exactly!
And have you wandered down the bottled water aisle lately?
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One puts you to sleep, the other wakes you up.
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I bet this one makes you crave junk food, and I’m not talking about the beet variety.
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But is it?
Is it really….
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While I’m all for pampering and spoiling our pets..
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No.
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Just, no.
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Bowzer’s manicure should not look better than mine… and look, even the dog hates it.
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I want to know who looked at their cat’s ass one afternoon and thought, ” Hey, that will make a great coloring book”.
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Mr. Whiskers is not amused.
And lastly, proof positive more isn’t always good… it’s just more.
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Hell, I think I’m slipping into diabetic coma just looking at that.
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For blog fodder research purposes if nothing else.
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I’m guessing they meant to say bad mood, but either way …. a screaming goat seems like the perfect companion to ride out the rest of this abominable year.
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A book of delightful goat facts? Perfect.
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Screaming goat placement is everything.
And hey, when you already have a flying poop drone…. a screaming goat doesn’t even raise eyebrows.
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The other product I might have to buy?
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A carbonated bubbling face mask?
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Show of hands…. how many people want to see that selfie?
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Success was hard won, but after another full of month of fruitless used car shopping, we finally found one for our niece.
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A 2012 Subaru Impreza hatchback which cost a lot more money than I planned on spending for a 19 year old’s first car…. but welcome to pandemic era shopping.
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The economy is iffy and people aren’t buying new, which means they aren’t trading old, which means a complete lack of decent inventory on the lots. The pickings are extremely slim in Maine and unless you’re willing to spend $11,000 plus (I wasn’t) or buy something with 225,000 miles (also a no) good frickin’ luck.
Thankfully the dealership where she fell in love with this one allowed us to drive it an hour away to have our trusty mechanics/old friends give it a thorough once over.
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They found a few minor things it needed, while this fellow looked on…
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Hey, our friends run a high class garage…. and can apparently fix anything. Including the tin man.
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Okay, as evidenced by their Hooter calendar…. maybe not that high class.
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But they’re experienced and kind enough to examine the car for free, so I’ll excuse a few scantily clad bimbos.
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The car won their seal of approval… after telling us it needed new tires… and our niece let out an audible sigh of relief.
Time to celebrate.
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At the closest restaurant to the dealership while they got the paperwork together.
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Cheers to a young girl’s first car!
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And a hearty home style lunch. Corn and bacon chowder with a hot turkey sandwich for me. That damn thing was so big I ate off it for 3 days.
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Signing her own paperwork. With a man who needs serious instruction on mask protocol.
Big smiles and key in hand.
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A final hug for the best aunt and uncle on earth.
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A thumbs up behind the wheel…. and off she went back to college.
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One extremely happy camper.
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Because I still need to laugh.
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You think you’ve laid in enough supplies for the next Covid wave of panicked shoppers? Just imagine how much triple ply Charmin ole Rex would have needed.
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That’s a distinct possibility.
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Another possibility. At least in my neck of the woods.
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That sounds like good advice.
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Protection.
It’s not just for penises anymore…
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My first question is why I even bother going to Wal Mart in the first place? For a store that claims to have everything, they rarely… if ever… have what I need.
Bird seed?
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Nope.
Is there a new Covid 19 shopping panic I don’t know about? Are preppers stocking their bunkers with sunflower seed and suet now? I mean really… every single time I go Wal Mart… specifically for bird seed… the shelves are bare. It’s beyond annoying.
While I was there this time I also looked for individual au gratin baking dishes, because ya know… River needs to bake some fancy fish.
Nope. Couldn’t find any.
The rude gum smacking purple haired helpful sales associate I finally tracked down and asked told me there was no such thing… but I could find the potatoes on aisle 12.
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Sheets?
Our niece wanted some flowered ones for her dorm room… but Wal Mart said no can do.
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Flowers?
Forget about it. Plain grey, beige and navy. It was the same blah color scheme of that furniture store I visited a while back. And hey, I understand trends as much as the next girl… but what happened to something for everyone?
Feeling totally discouraged, I searched for one more thing.
A simple thing. A thing surely every Wal Mart in America carries.
A sweatshirt for the husband…
But did I find one?
I think you know the answer to that.
There was one lone sweatshirt in the men’s department. A size small… in bright red.
* note to Wal Mart stockers – get with the program! It’s Maine. We need bird seed, sweatshirts and fancy fish bakers. *
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I found a product I might just have to buy.
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While I’m not a huge fan of pigs in a blanket, I can easily see pig shaped brownies and pig shaped cornbread.
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Pig shaped ice for my cocktails?
Yes please!
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Admit it…
You want one too.
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It never fails to amaze me how many ridiculous products I can find in the grocery store.
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Multi colored popcorn farts? No thank you. Wait… they’re covered in white chocolate?
On second thought. How bad can a rainbow unicorn toot be?
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This abominable bag of quinoa was on the check out aisle with all the other reasonable unhealthy snacks. Don’t they know how good that radioactive orange Cheetoh dust is? Geesh, no one in their right mind craves quinoa.
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Tolerant organic. What exactly does that mean? Is that little fellow going to bludgeon me with his noodle if I don’t compliment his Birkenstocks?
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I’m sorry, but when I walk down the baking aisle… filled with cakes and brownies and numerous other drool worthy desserts? Protein balls are not high on my list.
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Finally, I need two things explained.
1. What happened to the separation of church and grocery store?
And
2. If you’re going to quote scripture about baking bread, don’t use it to sell a box of cereal. That’s just false advertising.
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River's world..... 