Tag Archives: humor

You’re never too old to learn… Succulent Picture Frame.

 

Gather round students…. the Maine  is this for real?  Adult Education classes continue.

If you live in Maine  you can learn some wonderful things. So far in this riveting series we’ve had:

 

You’re never too old to learn…. Spoons.

You’re never to old to learn…. Potatoes.

You’re never too old to learn…. Ukulele

You’re never too old to learn…. Chakra Toning.

You’re never too old to learn…. Mindfulness.

You’re never to old to learn…. Tin Cans.

You’re never too old to learn…. Knotweed Flutes.

 

And today we continue with Succulent Picture Frames.

(Disclaimer – This class does not require sucking. But I think that’s offered at PT’s Showclub in Portland.)

 

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Course description:

Succulent Picture Frame 

Having live plants around as we transition into fall will brighten every day and beautify your home. You will set up your own succulent picture frame with a variety of plants to create your own living art! You will also receive instruction on how to care for this gorgeous creation to enjoy it all year long. The price of the course includes all materials to make one succulent picture frame. Materials fee of $60 included in the price of the course. No discounts.

 

A frame. Made out of plants.

My first question is why?

Don’t get me wrong, I love plants… they’re beautiful and versatile.

 

 

As well as great disguises when you’re stalking an ex.

 

 

They can even rid your house of pesky flies… I get it.

 

 

Though we all know that can go horribly wrong…

 

 

But hell, I can hardly be bothered to dust my current picture frames, now they want me to water one?

No.

Because while I have lovely outdoor gardens, and a house full of healthy green leafy plants?

I will kill each and every succulent I touch.

 

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I must over water….. or love them too much.

Because yes, apparently that’s a thing.

 

 

So if I want my walls to be covered in framed plants?

 

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I’ll just dye my cobwebs green and call it good.

 

 

 

Things I don’t like today… chapter 2.

 

I don’t like…

 

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Going out to the barn for something and finding the husband has bought another…. yeah, whatever the hell that is.

It’s a good thing he has a fold up cot in there. He might be needing it.

 

I don’t like….

Going  out to the barn for something, and not being able to find it because the husband has too much  rusty old useless crap  treasure stacked in there. And I really don’t like having some of that crap fall on my still sore, recently broken, now permanently out of whack toe.

 

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Yeah.

Another month of not wearing a shoe. Good times…

 

I don’t like…

Getting out of my car after driving to the store and finding I’d committed Monarchacide.

 

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Poor little beauty.

I didn’t see you…. honestly.

 

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And finally,

I don’t like….

 

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Unicorn onesies for adults.

Come on….

 

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I say, that’s who.

I will not have a good time cleaning and organizing my house in a unicorn onesie.

Good God, what’s wrong with people?

That’s what tequila is for.

 

 

 

 

Pepper’s Landing

 

A restaurant review in which we make cocks out of mocks.

 

 

I’ll explain later…

Pepper’s Landing is a new seafood place we’d been wanting to try.

 

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It follows the latest trend of slightly industrial looking spaces, with exposed duct work and open rafters.

 

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Being Maine, naturally there’s a live lobster tank.

And being allergic, naturally they sat me right next to it. Cruel and unusual punishment to be sure.

There was also this handy technical breakdown for the lobsterly challenged among us.

 

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I got a huge kick out of this as no Mainer worth their salt would ever eat the body (carapace).  Of course no Mainer would ever call it a carapace either.

Though  “Do not eat head” is always sound advice in a restaurant.

 

 

But call me crazy, I don’t think advertising your lobster as “stringy” and “gamey” is going to win many converts.

Moving on…

 

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I opted for a blueberry martini, which was delightfully potent… but my girlfriend chose the Blue Atlantic mocktail….

 

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And then added two shots of Grey Goose.

Putting the cock in her mock.

Fresh blueberries, fresh basil…. it was fabulous! And what we drank from then on.

 

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We saw some massive bar pretzels going by, but opted for blueberry bbq wings…

 

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And crab quesadillas instead.

 

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Wings? Quite good.

Quesadillas? Not nearly enough crab.

Perhaps they fought back in the kitchen…

 

 

I chose the seafood pasta, which was basically scampi…

 

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And though it looked bland…. it was fresh, perfectly cooked and with just the right amount of garlic.

Husband went with baked haddock in sherried butter and lobster cream sauce with asparagus.

 

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Pardon the blurred photo, I think the Grey Goose was kicking in.

 

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Dessert was cheesecake for the husband.

 

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And a traditional Maine Whoopie Pie for me.

Slightly disappointing as it had been frozen and hadn’t thawed out properly. One should not risk breaking a tooth when one eats a Whoopie.

Rating?

B – ,  but worth trying again.

As my garden grows…

 

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Day lilies.

 

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They’re vibrant…

 

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And colorful…

 

 

(Is it me… or is that mildly disturbing?)

 

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They’re prolific…

 

 

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Long lasting…

 

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(Well that explains why my refrigerator died. They wanted it to.)

 

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And easy to care for.

Plant… forget… and enjoy.

 

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The same goes for Hostas, although they prefer some shade.

Everything is in marvelous bloom right now.

 

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Except the sunflowers the chipmunk from Hell planted in my petunias.

 

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They may take a while.

 

 

Happy gardening!

Who knew?

 

I did,  because…

 

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Did you know…

The phrase “hands down”  (as in “He won that game hands down.”)  was first used in the 19th century to describe a horse racing victory? It signified the jockey was so far ahead he could drop the reins and relax his arms.

 

 

Well, not quite.

 

Did you know….

Bruno Mars played an Elvis impersonator as a child in the 1992 film Honeymoon in Vegas?

It’s true.

 

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Did you know….

Mosquito repellants do not repel, they hide.

The spray blocks a mosquito’s sensors so they don’t even know you’re there.

 

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Did you know…

During WWII, America tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Silly Americans, what were we thinking?

Bats won’t even play fetch.

 

 

 

Did you know….

The Roman emperor Caligula made his horse a Senator.

Maybe we should try this….

It can’t be any worse.

 

 

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Did you know…

The Bible has been translated into Klingon?

 

 

Well, you do now.

Too good not to share… Part 2.

 

Before we found our current house, I went on what I lovingly refer to as the “Homes From Hell Tour” with my real estate agent. It was a seller’s market back in 2002 and they were selling some crazy sh*t.

We found a bedroom floor with a large hole in the center. It was a crater, you could see 2 stories down…. we found a trampoline in a living room with bumper pads on the walls and ceiling…. and we found a room entrance completely covered with blue tarps and duct tape. Apparently you only got to see what was in there if you purchased the place.

So yes, these crazy realtor photos make me laugh.

 

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Curtains.

You’re doing it wrong.

 

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When you’re bound and determined to make use of every last inch of space.

 

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Good luck finding a bath mat to fit there.

 

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I’m speechless.

And that doesn’t happen very often…

 

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Good to know.

 

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If you really, really, really want to live by the ocean… but can’t afford it.

 

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And finally..

When you can’t afford wallpaper, but grandma has some spare rugs in her attic.

 

 

Say it isn’t so…..

 

Autumn is closing in.

And it’s my favorite time of the year.

 

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The air is crisp, the trees are full of apples….

 

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And if you’re lucky enough to live in Maine like I do?

 

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Mother Nature puts on a glorious show of turning leaves.

 

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(Yes, those are my photos. And yes, those are my apple trees.)

But this year?

There’s something I’m not looking forward to.

The annual Pumpkin Spice’d   every damn thing but condoms  invasion will be rolling out shortly, and while that’s annoying enough….

This year?

There’s a new kid on the pumpkin spiced block.

 

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It’s true… as well as disgusting.

 

 

Yes.

Pumpkin Spiced Spam.

 

Forget changing leaves and brisk breezes — pumpkin spice is the official harbinger of fall. And, for better or worse, Spam is entering the flavor fray.

Starting September 23, lovers of all things autumn can purchase limited-edition Spam Pumpkin Spice on Walmart and Spam’s online stores, a spokesperson for Hormel Foods told CNN.
There’s no pumpkin in this pork: It’s mixed with cinnamon, clove, allspice and nutmeg, according to the spokesperson.
What could a sweet mystery meat possibly pair well with? Spam recommends topping waffles with it, adding it to a fall vegetable hash or baking it into a cornbread muffin.
Honestly, waking up to a warm stack of Spam-and-waffles on a chilly fall morning sounds kinda nice.
Could this sweet SPAM be the tipping point for pumpkin spice fatigue? It’s not likely–people go crazy for the flavor, and it’s rooted in neurology: Sugar and pumpkin spice are an addictive combination that the brain learns to crave.
And with seasonal marketing from pumpkin spice pushers like Starbucks, brains and bodies begin to associate autumn and comfort with the flavor.
So if you’re into pumpkin spiced Spam, don’t be ashamed.
You’re just wired that way.

 

 

While there’s no amount of money that could convince me try it and report back….

If one of you would, I’d appreciate a first hand account of how truly awful it is.

What do you think of when I say…

 

Luxury item?

A yacht to sail the 7 seas…

 

 

That works… as long as you don’t forget your Brie En Croute is in the oven while you’re sipping champagne on the port side.

A fancy sports car?

 

 

Sure…. I can see you cruising into Goodwill in that.

How about a tropical beach house?

 

 

With hot and cold running cabana boys?

I’m in!

What you probably don’t think of when I say luxury item?

These:

 

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Although in many states, including my own….

 

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That’s exactly how they’re viewed and taxed.

As luxury items.

 

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Is your jaw hanging open?

Because mine was.

 

 

Take my word for it gentlemen…

Luxurious is not the word women use to describe that time of the month.

It’s not even close.

 

Just in time for Halloween.

 

I like candy.

 

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You probably like candy.

 

 

I imagine everyone likes some kind of candy….

 

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I dare you to like this candy.

 

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Yes….. Zombie Skittles are coming to a store near you.

 

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Hidden rotten flavored pieces?

 

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So let me get this straight…. I chew all the normal fruity flavors with stupid new names and then bam!

I swallow one that tastes like a zombie….

 

 

What the hell does a zombie taste like?

 

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Okay, thanks.

That certainly clears it up.