Tag Archives: humor

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

29 Comments

 

 

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Well, keep dreaming…

Today’s not the day.

It’s an age old question and I thought why not enlist a few famous people to help us with the answer.

So why did the chicken cross the road?

OPRAH says:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

Fair enough.

Let’s hope it’s a Mercedes, because they had the best car commercial… ever!

Watch it. I dare you not to smile…

 

 

SARAH PALIN says:  The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

 

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DR SEUSS says:  Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

 

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True, but a little morbid.

BILL CLINTON says:  I did not cross the road with that chicken.

 

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Okay, okay. We get it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY says:  To die in the rain, alone.

 

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Well, damn.

That’s depressing.

DONALD TRUMP says:  We should build a wall so the chicken can’t cross the road.

 

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Nice hair.

AL GORE says:  I invented the chicken…. and the road.

 

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Yeah…

Thanks for that.

ALBERT EINSTEIN says:  Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

 

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And finally –

ARISTOTLE says: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 

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So there you have it.

 

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And because I don’t want to break the trend of inserting a GOT reference into every single one of my posts till the final season is over….

 

 

A Game of Thrones chicken.

Epic!

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That’s just rude.

25 Comments

 

It’s finally spring in Maine.

The temperatures are warming, the grass is greening and the deer in our backyard are spoiled rotten brats.

 

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We put out a few bowls of grain and chopped apples in the late afternoon and enjoy watching them stroll leisurely up from the woods.

 

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Yes, I’m talking about you.

So imagine my surprise the other day as I was taking pictures…..

And this one stuck his tongue out at me.

 

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How’s that for appreciation?

 

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Yeah, you.

 

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Hey now…

 

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Cut it out!

 

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Don’t give me that look.

 

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Cheeky little bugger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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You just can’t win.

34 Comments

 

Debt…

 

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Almost everyone is in it…

And almost everyone dreams of winning the lottery to get out of it.

 

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(There’s no logical reason for this photo. I just Googled debt meme and came up with it.

A squirrel… in  full armor.

You’re welcome.)

 

So we worked hard, and became debt free.

 

 

We cut up all the credit cards, and paid them off. We paid off the cars, motorcycles and other assorted big boy toys.

Three months ago? We paid off our mortgage.

We’re now totally debt free.

Yay us!

 

 

Except no. Life doesn’t work that way.

For years we had nearly perfect credit scores.

(Perfect is 840, ours was 837.)

Until we started paying off debt, at which point they dropped like a stone.

Cut up and pay off your credit cards? Lose 34 points.

Which is wrong. So very, very wrong.

In every conceivable way.

The last time I checked?

 

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It went down 44 points because we no longer have a mortgage.

What the f*ckity  f*ck  f*ck?

Everything we own is paid for, we have more liquid cash than we’ve ever had before, our pension and retirement plans are set and we can live comfortably without fear.

For this we’re penalized?

 

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It is.

It really, really is.

 

 

 

 

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Things you really don’t need.

39 Comments

 

You…

Or anyone else for that matter.

 

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I’m guessing the Kardashian’s have closets full of those…

 

 

But probably not these.

 

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Pokemon friendly leather.

That means plastic… right?

 

This next item said you’d be the envy of all your friends if you had one.

 

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I’m going to go out on a limb here and say if you own an enamel pin collection?

You probably don’t have many friends to begin with.

 

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Do I need to wake up pouting?

Probably not.

 

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I also don’t want to walk around smelling like birthday cake all day.

Christ…

I have a hard enough time avoiding cake as it is.

 

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Now this I could get behind….

But only if I didn’t tell my friend the purpose, and randomly make her lamp go on and off long distance.

*Cue evil laugh*

 

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I’m not sure how blue I’d have to be to enjoy this…

But thankfully I’m not there yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I like…

26 Comments

 

I like –

The sign a friend of mine saw while on vacation in Barbados last week.

 

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I don’t like –

That she was in Barbados and I was not.

 

 

I like –

Jo Malone’s line of products.

Check them out.

 

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I don’t like –

Her price tags  ($35 for a bar of soap? For that price, I want someone to wash me with it. Preferably Bradley Cooper or Johnny Depp)  which is why I buy the itty bitty sampler bottles.

 

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$155 on the site, slightly less on Amazon… if you can find them.

No one around here sells Jo Malone and I’m not buying a full bottle until I test it.

But they rock!

Trust me on this…

 

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(See how I snuck a Game of Thrones reference in there?)

I like –

The sound of this drink for summer.

 

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I don’t like –

The idea of walking around with a blue tongue all night.

(Or day, who are we kidding?)

 

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I like –

The tee shirt I found the other day.

 

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I don’t like –

The fact that there are only 4 more episodes of Thrones left.

 

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Sigh.

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Help me out here…

29 Comments

 

Like most humans, I have two legs.

 

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Alright, and some cats as well.

So how is it possible that I had 107 pairs of jeans, slacks and capris in my closet?

 

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107.

So… 214 leg coverings.

 

 

How did it happen….

Is there a trouser fairy I’m unaware of?

Or do they breed when the lights go out?

 

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Something had to be done.

So I tried on 98 pieces of clothing.

This was in no way enjoyable and looked something like this:

 

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(If you don’t have fat and skinny sections in your closet? Please move along, I don’t tolerate that kind of self control here.)

I know, I know.

The stack had gotten a little out of hand.

But look, I’m donating all of these…

 

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And I managed to organize a small section of shelf.

 

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Woo hoo! I can see the wall.

Yay me.

But now?

Someone needs to talk to the shirts.

 

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Because I’m getting a little overwhelmed.

 

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Yeah, it’s a tough call.

 

Because a girl has to take advantage of extra closet space when it presents itself…. right?

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I can’t say I’m surprised.

43 Comments

 

Burger King?

Not a fan.

 

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So I wasn’t surprised to hear that their new meatless burger…

 

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Tasted the same as their original beef burger.

Hell, as far as I’m concerned the original doesn’t taste like meat either.

 

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But here’s the thing…

If you’re eating a burger?

Please, for the love of all that’s holy….

Eat a burger!

 

 

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No….

A burger means beef, bison… or if you have to be difficult, turkey.

 

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Not heme.

 

 

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A soybean root cheeseburger?

Christ….

You might as well be eating kale.

 

 

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Air mail for bird nerds.

26 Comments

 

I love living in the country….

Because you never know who will drop by.

Or deliver the mail.

 

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The other day?

 

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It was this little beauty.

 

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An American Kestrel.

We have many birds of prey fly over head…. Bald Eagles, Red Tail Hawks, Golden Eagles, Ospreys .

 

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We have a Sharp Shinned Hawk who plucks mourning doves off our bird feeders.

 

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Yes, even the ones in disguise.

We have a Barred Owl who perches on our deck railing waiting for mice to scurry by.

 

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But this Kestrel is the first one I’ve seen on our property in the 18 years we’ve lived here.

For bird lovers like us?

It’s a beautiful thing.

 

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Moving day should not include random body parts.

25 Comments

 

We helped a friend move last weekend.

Because… yes.

 

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Moving is hard work.

 

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There’s lots of stuff to pack…

 

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Lots of stuff to lift…

 

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And lots of stuff to push across homemade scrap wood ramps.

 

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What do you mean that’s not how professionals do it?

The silly thing weighed a ton and it got there.

Do we really care how?

No. We do not…

What we do care about is finding random body parts.

Tell me you saw it.

In the picture with my husband carrying the bright blue garden bench? Go back and look, I’ll wait.

……

……

……

A random leg.

And it wasn’t the only one.

 

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The damned things were popping up everywhere.

 

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Bizarre?

A wee bit.

But some of our friends are as well, so it’s to be expected….

 

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It got to be a running joke about where they’d turn up….

So at the end of the day when we were relaxing with beer and bowls of chili?

 

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Naturally we needed a centerpiece.

 

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And P.S….

Just for the record –

As much as I wanted to move their 442 Olds right into my garage at home?

 

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I restrained myself from stealing the keys when they weren’t looking.

That my dear, is the very definition of friendship.